Evening light falls west
Soft wind stirs the mountain grove
Oh no! Massive fart.

Haiku in the car
Haiku while in the bathroom
Haiku everywhere

Remember the time
Grandfather got all mixed up
Shit in the breadbox

Must be organic
Sprouted Pumpernickel Loaf?
Baked fresh each morning

We whipped our brassieres
High in leafless tree branches
The cackle of witches

I am.
You are not.
But this just might be.
I think no one knows for sure.
Here's the point where my dick falls off and I scream.
Holy Mother of God, what the fuck was that bullshit.
If you think about it, this is much better than any old haiku.
Fa-shizzle ma nizzle, not my nipple, snuffleupagus pot pie served hot.

Mary Lou Retton
Flexible Oompa Loompa
The spawn of Satan

Her ass dribbled like
the pro basketball team that
she just had sex with.

Pink Floyd at Pompeii.
Sacrifice virgins to gods.
But lava still flows.

Just don't kill yourself.
You'll burn in Hell forever!
And I'll be there too.

Rolling in feces.
Chef prepared roast beef dinner.
The dreams of all dogs.

The tip of your tongue
Haiku: Fun for everyone!
It's Funnilingus!

Have a bit of fun
Go up there like Balloon Boy
We'll call Wolf Blitzer

I used to do drugs
I still do
But I used to, too

Breath of a Salesman
A Cunnilingus salesman
At Fisherman's Wharf

I come here for fun
I have no immune system
Don't see anyone

I love all of you
And I love your Bad Haiku
Cunnilingus too!

i want to let it all go

Cunning Linguistics,
Cunning Linguistics, and more
Cunning Linguistics!

Leave now, vhs.
Give your Dell to charity.
Go wander the earth.

Write a large book.
Call it, "Haiku hurt my butt"
Learn to play guitar.

You can be famous.
Women, money, hard drugs, guns,
fast cars, and Jesus.

Got 2 turntables...
You're like a broken record
Akashic Record

Dang, you all so whack
I'm just like: this Haiku shit
Is for reelz, gnome sain?

Wait until Thursday
Thoreauback Thursday, my friend
Return to nature

there's an urge to walk
away from all of this and just
turn all of this off

John Boy Walton's mole
Won five Golden Globe Awards
Got laid all the time

Cleaned grandfather clock
I mean cleaned our Grandpa's cock
Polished Grandpa's knob

12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I've gotten so old
that I forgot how to count.
One, two, three, four... then?

A cup of coffee.
A good bowel movement.
The morning's complete.

Ordering pizza
Having it delivered here
Like Jeff Spicoli

Furnace repair man
Should have married one. Oily smell!
Intoxicating!!

Wicked Whoopie Pies
Gooey frosting overload
Stephen King's jizzum

Poopie Pants Supreme,
Master of All Toilet Bowls,
Clogger of Sewers!

Not always, my man.
I wish she would go bye bye.
She's gotten so fat!

Calling Starkitten:
Hey, how about something new
(like... talk about sex)

The Way Life Should Be ?
Yet more third-world immigrants;
Vacationland . . . not.

Need some more, more, MORE!
Gimme verses, got to score
Rushing, to the core.

Pilipina bride
marry American man.
Get green card. Bye bye!

TRUMP still our king.
Left try almost everything.
Now fat lady sing!

Them pale, fat Maine girls:
Locked up half year in wintuh.
Ayuh, finest kind . . .

That Downeast Maine charm:
Blackflies, beanos, snow . . .
It's still wicked good!

Heaven, without you
would be no Heaven at all.
You better get SAVED !

Twerking in grade school
has replaced mathematics,
writing, and drug use.

I miss shooting up
at kindergarten recess.
Ah, the good old days.

Now it's pole dancing
to pop music like strippers
and I want to puke.

irony versus
blasphemy, do not tempt me
my cross, torn, rotted

That delicacy
Art Bell mentioned it on air
Coast to Coast program

From the Philippines.
Dog stew and chicken fetus.
Google "balut egg".

My wife's drunk brother
ate three of those on fine night.
Made me want to barf.

They eat it at night
so they won't have to see it.
Also they're drunk then.

Virgin prostitutes.
A land of hypocrisy.
Pride and pollution.

Nana from Rockland
Starkitten from New England
Give me some fried clams
Rockland

I"m fine here you see
Maine you know Maine? That place
tell everyone else...

out out out!

Okay, enough fun.
I have to get back to work.
But first I'll go Trump.

Schwan's man is so hot
His whole truckload defrosted
Showed him my haiku

You think my spirit
cannot write a bad haiku?!
I am George Carlin!