John Boy Walton's mole
Won five Golden Globe Awards
Got laid all the time

Cleaned grandfather clock
I mean cleaned our Grandpa's cock
Polished Grandpa's knob

12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I've gotten so old
that I forgot how to count.
One, two, three, four... then?

A cup of coffee.
A good bowel movement.
The morning's complete.

Ordering pizza
Having it delivered here
Like Jeff Spicoli

Furnace repair man
Should have married one. Oily smell!
Intoxicating!!

Wicked Whoopie Pies
Gooey frosting overload
Stephen King's jizzum

Poopie Pants Supreme,
Master of All Toilet Bowls,
Clogger of Sewers!

Not always, my man.
I wish she would go bye bye.
She's gotten so fat!

Calling Starkitten:
Hey, how about something new
(like... talk about sex)

The Way Life Should Be ?
Yet more third-world immigrants;
Vacationland . . . not.

Need some more, more, MORE!
Gimme verses, got to score
Rushing, to the core.

Pilipina bride
marry American man.
Get green card. Bye bye!

TRUMP still our king.
Left try almost everything.
Now fat lady sing!

Them pale, fat Maine girls:
Locked up half year in wintuh.
Ayuh, finest kind . . .

That Downeast Maine charm:
Blackflies, beanos, snow . . .
It's still wicked good!

Heaven, without you
would be no Heaven at all.
You better get SAVED !

Twerking in grade school
has replaced mathematics,
writing, and drug use.

I miss shooting up
at kindergarten recess.
Ah, the good old days.

Now it's pole dancing
to pop music like strippers
and I want to puke.

irony versus
blasphemy, do not tempt me
my cross, torn, rotted

That delicacy
Art Bell mentioned it on air
Coast to Coast program

From the Philippines.
Dog stew and chicken fetus.
Google "balut egg".

My wife's drunk brother
ate three of those on fine night.
Made me want to barf.

They eat it at night
so they won't have to see it.
Also they're drunk then.

Virgin prostitutes.
A land of hypocrisy.
Pride and pollution.

Nana from Rockland
Starkitten from New England
Give me some fried clams
Rockland

I"m fine here you see
Maine you know Maine? That place
tell everyone else...

out out out!

Okay, enough fun.
I have to get back to work.
But first I'll go Trump.

Schwan's man is so hot
His whole truckload defrosted
Showed him my haiku

You think my spirit
cannot write a bad haiku?!
I am George Carlin!

When I poop I say,
"Time to take a Donald Trump."
But that insults poop.

Poop can make things grow.
Trump is just a parasite.
Financial tapeworm.

carlin is dead...kay
i saw him in 1995
but he's dead now kay

Cunt shit motherfuck.
Titty ass cock-sucker bitch.
Twat balls Donald Trump.

Fuel up. Breakfast shake
High fructose goon syrup
Soar like an eagle!

Aerobic Dancing
Breakdancing on old cardboard!
Bustin' all my moves

They never tell you
The meat was squirrel or possum
Til dessert arrives

Fall. Leaves underfoot
Hello dog mess my old friend
Stepped in you again

Wrinkled Grandfather
Whittling on the front porch
New dildo for Gran

Wilfred Brimleyesque
Werther's candy in pockets
Sticky. Fossilized.

Leaves crunch underfoot
Bear defecating in woods.
Old question answered

Cover in silence
Gliding leaf brings joy once more
Mountains reach sudden

I think after all
is said and done whatever
we do we're all fucked...

Ass candles galore
Illuminating nada
coal black hole prevails

Can of pink salmon
They kept it as a house pet
At least three decades

I show up on time
Nose to the haiku grindstone
Big promotion soon

just play dark side of
the moon while watching said hated
films, fun for all

munchkin suicides
illuminati symbols
and melting witches

Barry Manilow
Can't smile without you, Dude
Turn frown upside down

Just for the record
I hate The Wizard of Oz
Thank you for your time

I

i wonder if i
make darth say his name backwards
he goes back to the

fifth dimension for
5 months like that little guy
from the superman
comics

Hey, hold out your arm
I'll give you a free tattoo
Make it: Bad Haiku

I wrote you a check
For one million Bad Haiku
The least I could do

VHS, confess
You like Starkitten Haiku
Just a little bit

The age old question
Which part of you is the dink?
I love Aliens!

Or meet a fun gal
Perhaps her yeast infection
Will raise your spirits

Watch for bad mushroom
You might land on a "fungi"
With a bad disease