I've not drank egg nog,
disappointing heart surgeons,
for about four years.

Spiked Santa's egg nog
latte with Viagra pills.
Shopping mall scandal.

I rode a funt-cart.
It wouldn't go very fast.
It was at Wal-Mart.

Oh wait, no, I'm wrong.
It was one of those "Rascals".
The seat smelled funny.

Quantum particles
swerve inappropriately
whilst navigating.

Holiday photos
Mall Santa popped a boner
Mugshot portrait now

Oxen pull funt-cart
Through the wastelands of Haiku
Loaded full of Funt.

Bad Haiku website
symptomatic of our time:
pottymouth trash-talk

With that being said
With that being said...No more!!
With that being said

Ronald McDonald
He's got an orange schmeckle
Just like that Trump clown

Salami dildo
Delicatessen window
Dinner and a show

Since the last update
Forecast calls for more poems
Chance of urine floods

Tortoise Turdle Turd
Chomping lettuce. Daydreaming.
Popping a boner

Mailman Piggy Back!
Nude Ambush. Caught him off guard
No bath salts involved

We're staunch characters
S-T-A-U-N-C-H
And we tap dance, too

Class action lawsuit
Bad Roosters! Mosquitoes Fraud!
Yowling Cats will pay!!

human albumin
Slippery banana peels
I smell a lawsuit

Roosters attacked me.
Goddamn tortoise ate a turd.
Cats yelling for food.

Killed three mosquitoes.
The flies were too quick for me.
Pouring rain again.

Kids either fussing
or playing video games.
Waste away their lives.

Here I write haiku.
And that's oh so meaningful.
Why won't God kill me?!

McOyVeyDonald's.
Kosher Bacon Cheeseburgers.
Ronald's McMosheh.

When Christ was a lad
he got the happy meals.
Comes with free dreidel.

Reverberations
Wind passed on the veranda
Crouching low, cat-like

Yesterday....Today....
We didn't ask for this crap.
Maybe tomorrow...

Jesus, son of God
Never tasted McDonald's
He really missed out

all things considered
some folks think it is the end
so there's mark taylor

And end with a fart

Once upon a Figpucker

All stories will start

I hope that I know when I'm going to die so that I can post on Farcebook, I AM DARTH FIGPUCKER, to shame my whole family. That way they will hate me and not mourn me at all. Save them the trouble. Cremate me, flush my ashes down the nearest toilet. Save money that way.

I miss elections.
I used to shit on porches
of republicans.

Never shat in sinks.
I mean, why waste a good turd?
Each turd can be art!

Of course I'm joking.
My life: haiku, sudoku.
Sudoku, haiku.

No nipple biting.
the bee's knees and wasp's nipples.
Erogenous bugs.

I realized something.
Being immortal would suck.
I feel bad for God.

God or the Devil.
They will never know the end.
And its sweet release.

So much backed up shit
Procrastinating colon
I

Nivea fetish
A self proclaimed sink shitter
That guy has small feet

Please bite my nipples.
Go ahead and make them bleed.
It's better than milk.

When feeling useless,
and you have nothing to say,
blow it out your ass.

Or write a haiku.
The whole world will be amazed.
I am so awesome!

It's like the Cups song
Except you use cut off dicks
Miss 'em when they're gone

Spend our lives waiting
The suspense is killing me
I can hardly wait

Good Old Ceiling Cat
He's been watching you do that
And that's an eyeful

In the waiting room
That's where we do our waiting
We're in here waiting

Let me show you
My intergluteal cleft
Conversation piece

Boner compass
Lost in the town of Pleasure
Tiny hands. Raking.

Ass gas no jiggle
Always welcome for dinner
It's All You Can Eat

I hate statistics.
Even more than statistics,
I hate stats teachers.

I hypothesize
that your ass is hippo-sized.
Supersized your fries.

Neither one wore clothes.
They toed each other asses.
More so at dinner.

All the oceans depths
can't contain the filth that flows
from our bad haiku.

Warn the EPA!
Eviscerated Poets
Abnormality.

or something

Putrid waters flow . . .
All filth washed away to sea.
Hail, cleansing ocean!

In the waiting room
A perfect time for Haiku
But what shall I say?

You're levitating!
Oh wait, it's just your penis
Not a magician

Urinate Freestyle
Full Bladder Parkour. Rad.
Piss everyone off

I have peed in sinks.
Only in public restrooms.
Never my own house.

As for the toilet
Nothing is perfect. Cracked seat
Matches my cracked seat

Ever peed in a sink?

In with the In Crowd
Bagels and Lox In forehead
Pocky sticks in nose

Haiku decompose
The Orient shopping mall
Lies, lies and more LIES.