I used Elmer's glue.
The kind that kids use at school.
'Cause it's non-toxic.

Asking for a friend
What did you use for the glue?
You could make your own

I glued on the eyes.
They fell off when I got hard.
She was not impressed.

Balloon animals
Wrap it in sour gummy worms
Good bang for your buck

Looking down your pants
A little too familiar
Try these googly eyes

Can I poop on you?
I'll give you fifty dollars.
I love you so much.

I need a fucking drink.
That last line had six syllables.
That one had eight.
And I still need a drink.

I smoked peanut skins
Did nothing, gave me bad breath
Complete waste of time

Smoking bananas.
That's one thing I've never tried.
How about you, sir?

Snorting snail slime.
Dehydrated and powdered.
Frightening visions.

All Nude Aged Meat Fest
Wonka and Walton elders
Now that's an orgy

You are Grinch, Grinch, GRINCH !!
Flame-ass dribblers of bad worse:
You are brat-Wurstest.

You are cringe, cringe, CRINGE !
Lame-ass scribblers of bad verse:
you are the Greatest.

the end of times soon
because all things must finish
like this brief haiku

God hates all poets.
Their creations are nearly
as wretched as His.

Under disco-lights
I reassess existence:
over-rated noise.

Hey, why the long face?
Flaming syllable shooters
Vomiting poems

a haiku reflects
on walking into a bar
gazing in a glass

The Husband Landfill
Salvageable parts removed
Pre-owned dildo sales

I want some breakfast.
Twat waffles and cunt biscuits.
A pot of coffee.

Light the hibachi
Soon as I gut this possum
We'll have cheeseboigers

Clear the area.
This haiku zone is declared
Prohibited verse.

Pussy-ass bitches!
Come get some of this you pigs.
Phuq da POlice, y'all

Now stand back, you cad.
You've made this young lady cry.
I shall deal with you.

Oh you are so VILE.
Oh you horrible man, you.
Why, oh WHY must you?

here's to you missus
robinson, heaven holds a
place for those who spray

Mrs. Livingston
Courtship of Eddie's Father
Your penis Is green!

Vaseline in bulk
Now see what you made me do
Bend over, poets

Nasal Relations
Deviated septum jizz
Go ahead and blow

I'll spank your monkey.
And you can choke my chicken.
Just like Darth Vader.

You have to wonder if Darth Vader ever force choked himself while masturbating. You know you'd do it too if you could use The Force.

Time for a massage.
Of course with all the extras.
I hope that she's tight.

I might bang her nose.
It's possible over here.
Covid lubricant.

Hey organ grinder
I'll show you my banana
Show me your monkey

in this brave new world
narcotics are out of vogue
it hurts me to say

What did the haiku say
to the gross limerick?
Le' me rick your barrs.

Of course that last line's
said with Japanese accent
while making squint eyes.

Piss off the office.
Replace the coffee with tea.
It's way worse than pea.

Every coffee break
I pee in the office pot
I only drink tea

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It's now coffee time.
I'm not sure of the region.
Northern Philippines.

And got some fresh milk.
You say big fucking deal.
But you just don't know.

Back in a minute.
God, I'm such a coffee snob.
Christ that's fucking good.

I bought a cat toy.
It was filled with crushed catnip.
I had to smoke it.

Still recovering.
Need to order more of those.
What strain of catnip?

Or some additive?
Something in it packs a punch.
It's "Made In China".

Ancient mushroom dust?
Dried up tiger testicles?
Likely agent orange.

Sure I wanna fuck.
But certainly not with you!
Pigs are more charming.

Cat toy Yelp reviews
Synastry calculator
Hey, You wanna Fuck?

Old fishing village
Mount Fuji in the distance
Then your dink goes soft

Old fishing village;
Mount Fuji on horizon...
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We are Flintstones kids
Ten million strong and growing
Weed in the attic

Just think what that's like.
You cannot reach your boner.
God can be so cruel.

If I were alive
back in the dinosaur times
I'd beat off T-rex.

Pteradactyl turds.
Quite painful when they hit you.
Fred knows what I mean.

Silly Putty dink
You do this every Sunday
Funny pages gone

I am my own wife.
That needs flexibility.
Beyond Plastic Man.

Plastic man can stretch
his forskin so much that he
doesn't need condoms.

Do you think at all
About the wonderwall
Unfinished oasis haiku

Everything happens.
In a short amount of time.
It's American haiku.