how does the dog know
he only chews the heads off
the small plastic toys

meeting with the boss
not paying much attention
heh,heh...she said "wood"

your soft pink anus
it winks at me in my dreams
pucker up, baby

if i was called sue
and i was quite attractive
i'd work for kit kat

i'd like to ride you
dressed as a naked cowboy
how does thursday sound?

hey! you! scooter boy!
scoot like you've never scooted!
Buffy's on in 5!

my fucking printer
vomits forth the vile slander
and not my homework

i have but five sweets
and five friends to share them with
but only two razors

wish i was geoff capes
then i'd have a beard and stuff
god, that'd be cool

louder than a bomb
bigger than bella emberg's arse
where shall i put it?

excuse me, mister
i saw that cucumber first
say, that's not right, man

transmission resumed
please enter user password
case sensitive, foo!

HOT ASIAN TEEN BABES
CLICK TO CUM ON THEIR FACES
the internet's great

make me an omlette
try to make it without eggs
i like them that way

ungawa, cheetah!
big metal bird fall from sky
tonight we dine well

i'm not a dentist
not even a dental nurse
i fucking hate teeth

i climbed up a tree
with my new binoculars
that i leant on wood

lying on my back
'neath the blue arc of heaven
a bird shat on me

stop that professor!
DNA is not a toy!
i'm not your easel!

my leaky biro
writing without you would be
finger-lickin' good

let's all get jiggy
for it's the willennium
ha-ha ha-ha woo!

the ground is all wet
and the shop-fronts are drippy
damn my weak bladder

People from Norway
Smell more than those from Finland
Scientific fact!

My telephone cord
Helical as DNA
But not as twisty

Do Snapple do a
Urine-flavoured beverage
For perv refreshment?

All men are born free
But are everywhere in chains
And maybe bracelets

yawn repeatedly
five and a half hours slumber
that wasn't enough

Hey Red where are you?
Haven't seen you at the gym
is your shit melting?

Ode to the Kia
cheap little piece of metal
you make my life hell

hijackers onboard
another dryer sheet found
stuck inside my shirt

now i understand
ex roomy not good with words
what a big turnoff

Roomates,oh the sex
desire it but oh the fun it
would have been not lost.

red, my ex roommate
never had sex together
i wonder why not

working on a car
need good ideas badly
do you have any

The oppressive heat
Watch nature's creatures suffer
Long live Central Air!

Boss is a moron
Someone had to tell her that
Now, daytime t.v.

What have I eaten
To make the potty and I
Very close today?

Went to your party
Horror! Aunt Flo has arrived!
Bitch ruined my dress

Man this cd sucks
I loved it when I bought it
What was I thinking?

This is my frist time
Writing a public haiku
Well, so far so good.

piece of crap tab key
sitting there, mocking me and
my incomplete post

pullover sweatshirt

if she sells sea shells
by the seashore, then what would
she sell her clam for?

John Robert Crawford
Haikus so bad, they call him
Mr. Bad Haiku

so i ignore her
and before long she's asleep
curled at my feet

she sees the cat treat
yet will not acknowledge it
for it is offered

from hedge past the Olds
the hyper 'Teeq' darts onto
the warm Festiva

o bewitched feline
your tortoise shell conceals
your devilish heart

ode to a dear friend
Tequila you coy princess
how i miss your "purrrt"

ran 10K today
need a mike's hard lemonade
need to quench my thirst

I have a dark secret
It's small and round and pointy
But in a good way

My high moral ground
Can make it quite difficult
To lick your finger

Oh to be your hand
Now that summer is here
And you are shaven

Hey mister dj
Play that funky beat once more
No, the other one

The wheels on the bus
Go right round, baby, right round
Like crazy fuckers

Take one green pepper
And a handful of bacon
If you really want

The glorious boy!
See how he flexes his brain!
Like a squishy goo

If you had twelve cats
And you put them in a row
Which would you eat first?

All the church ladies
Are concealing their wedgies
That the vicar gave