Cartier bracelet
You said you’d buy it for me
Cheap Darth Figpucker !!

This activity
involves millions of microbes
Now you’re making cheese

Politely declined:
Your offer of Camembert...
It was too runny.

After the fifth drink
he confessed his fantasies:
“I want to fuck cheese.”

The Big (pussy) cat
Must go home and lick his wounds
Florida Hockey!

Hey Bible Boyfriend
I'm here at the museum
Tired of this shit

White Antarctica!
Muhammadiyah lies there,
covered in deep ice.

You wanna get high?
Try Old Willow high test Ku(sh)
The sh’s silent

Add a "ku" on there,
SharonGlymn, you guinea pig.
Then you get "haiku"

hi

You’ll earn more money
delivering newspapers
than writing haiku

Lap of Luxury
At Home with Darth Figpucker
Unlimited Cheese

Oh woe, woe is me.
My life has become haiku;
Haiku tragedy.

I’ll pay the postage
Send me your slapped mosquitoes
I’m not a vampire

I liked your haiku
In fact, I liked it so much
I bought the company

Hope no employer
ever finds my bad haiku
unless they love it.

Leave you to yourself
You smear poo haiku on walls
Then complain of smell

Insomnia King
Consider a sledgehammer
Go, knock yourself out

Caffeine nostalgia anger
Melatonin restlessness
Lonely sleep repeat

It's 1997
a web of idealists
no spam to be found

His bowel movements
also broke world’s records
Now you’re in second

I don't believe you.
How could he eat all of that?
I can't swallow it.

Michel Lotito
List of unusual items consumed


At least:[12][8][3]

18 bicycles
15 shopping carts
7 TV sets
6 chandeliers
2 beds
1 pair of skis
1 computer
1 Cessna 150 light aircraft
1 waterbed
500 metres (1,600 ft) of steel chain at once
1 coffin (with handles)
1 Guinness award plaque
45 door hinges

Michael Lotito
craved funny things to eat-o!
18 bicycles

A caricature
Of the mightiest nation
Forgetful of why

How you like Brandon?
High prices, starting new wars . . .
I am not impressed.

Run away from home
Pack up all your syllables
You haiku hobo

So go on home then.
Go home with Darth Figpucker.
He'll take care of you.

What is the downside?
What do people do for fun?
I wanna go home

Ugh. It's you again.
Porn-site Eugene, from Russia.
Well your haiku SUCKS.

Quran is its name.
Got real mad in South Philly.
Its name is "Quran"

Salvador Ramos
Had a terribly bad day
Hence, an armed tantrum.

If you ever get
sweaty balls at the golf course
use the ball washer

Up in the window
Is that Anthony Perkins
or Darth Figpucker?

Headless conjoined twin
Our pronouns are What. The. F@ck.
Mother liked you best

You’re on the menu
Self cannibalizing snake
Ssssssssss…one last selfie

crying sobbing floor pissing everywhere I bet, maybe even shit

actual haiku
the way the net used to be
ironic and free

Here comes the white lady.
Let's tell her some more bullshit...
Then she'll give us stuff.

"I must sacrifice
ALL for anthropology"
Dusk. Rustling palm-fronds...

Oh please Gregory--
At least leave me a hammock
And some potted meat...

Big doctor return.
Him come back soon soon from sky:
high-high silver bird!

Doctor Bateson say:
"Fiki fiki pa Covid.
Sabi no Covid"

Hello Crazy World!
I’m worried about Covid
I have a sore throat

You are five my fuck
shit ass little fucker man
who hair cash ringer?!

Why lordy-be, Clem--
They's a writin' about him!
Old Doctor Bateson!

No, Dr. Bateson.
Wrong, wrong, wrong on every count.
And unremembered.

Women fight and shave.
Women stand to pee. Damn straight.
Key to our success.

Give birth to your mom!
Breast-feed your own grandfather!
Be MODERN. Be FREE!

Men have vaginas.
Previously unknown fact
Now revealed as truth.