Wear a condom.
Just wear the Goddamn condom!
You'll thank me.

As vulgar, foul, and heinous as I might be, Jesus still loves me more than you. I asked him when he had had a lot of wine. He prefers honesty over lies. An honest fart is more beautiful than a false poem... As long as you don't shart yourself while wearing khaki shorts. That's what Jesus told me. He lives three houses down across the street. Yes, he has a valid green card -- don't you dare call INS!

The men stood around
comparing the lengths of their
bad haiku poems

One two three four five
six seven etcetera
because I'm lazy.

in bombastic ways
anagrammatic displays
earn fantastic praise

rampach cramphar marchap parmach charpam charmap crampah hamparc chamrap archmap harmcap

A character map.
That's what he meant. But Darth needs
a character SLAP.

Your rampach is dicklicksic.
So if I could borrow it some time...

Therapy is overrated and a way to
shovel money into the pockets
of scam artists. Like Freud.

Look Sigmund, if I want to bang
my mom, that's my business
but honestly, I don't want to
have to buy the extra Depends
undergarments that would be
required.

The reason therapy works is
so that we can deny the fact
that we got scammed. It's like
a placebo, really. Give someone
money and you will imagine
that what you gave them money
for is actually working. That way
you won't consider yourself
stupid.

Example, I bought a whore for
a wife and fooled myself into
thinking she was a good person.

unfortunately
your champar is dyslexic
and needs therapy

So who here thinks this Corona virus thing is an extremely over-exagerated political/economic fart.
I want everyone to get it b/c the sooner everyone gets it then the sooner I can get on with my life.
Unless, of course, it kills me. But I can live with that.

Champar is not a real thing.
I just made that shit up.
I don't even know what it means.
Kind of like integrity.
Hey, anyone want to buy a soul?
Slightly used and not in good shape.
But in better shape than
my ex's rancid foul twat. :-)

charmap is a thing
use the font of all knowledge
google is your friend

Y'all are so much fun.
I want you all to get saved.
(Haiku in heaven)

What is a a "charmap"?
Some British or Aussie thing?
I've never heard it.

Allahu Akbar!
I shout that before I fart.
Suicide bombing.

Ate some pomelo,
bean chili and deviled eggs,
washed down w/ lager.

Any terrorist
acts will be met with speedy
retaliation.

we're all in the wars
growing old is a minefield
for dead men walking

Oh yeah, I did live there.
But only in my mind.
I mean, how twisted is that?!
But how is it I know all the streets?!
Past life memories????
Dear God, help me get through
this terrible psychic affliction.

damn you bad haiku
fuck your lousy charmap fail
omar goodness sakes

the moving finger
writes, and having, writ moves on
khayyám what khayyám

I think I know you
Did you live in New Jersey?
Do you remember?

*Fraiche

I was thinking dog pizza with heirloom sun-dried tomatoes and goat cheese on a thick whole wheat crust and a dash of red pepper.

Just go get pizza
You said you live near a shop
Have you lost your mind?

I'm going to eat that dog across the street. I swear to God, I'll do it!
I'm thinking a nice hearty stew.

He climbed up that tree
Carefully removed his pants
Fucked a bald eagle

You know you want it
All of my hot syllables
sitting on your face

Love awake dot ru.
RU STUPID?
Just don't.
Pay your $50. Fuck them, and done.
Don't bring them home!

Trump is smarter than me.
He bought a live-in Russian whore.
I got the cheaper version from
the Philippines. :-(
You get what you pay for.

In a perfect world
The haiku would write itself
And then self destruct

I'm not just inviting you! But it will be interesting for sure loveawake.ru

Tyrannosaurus
Emerge from rock formations
And shit everywhere

The effect of COVID-19 on atmospheric quality makes me urinate liquified sulfur dioxide in much the same way that I imagine Satan does.
I really wanted to thaw out the frozen dinosaurs and watch them come back to life and I would attach brain chips to them to make them sentient and superior and most importantly under my controld and I would send them to eat vhs and all you other poets!

*

The fascination with school buses stops when they realize what a horrible place it takes them to.

Popular Science
Back issues under the bed
Teenage robot life

Pretends she is blind
Your mother cleans around them
But she found your bong

I'm not a robot.
But I'd like to become one.
Elon Musk might help.

WTF kind name is Elon Musk???
The scent of being elongated,
by either natural or synthetic means,
should not be a person's name.
But if he makes me into a robot,
I'll call him anything he wants.

Yes, Daddy Musk, here's your
Evian spring water and the latest
news from Wall Street.
Would you like some head now?

Like Snap Crackle Pop
But my brand new cereal
Has an orgasm

Free Prize in the box!
13 inch Hot Pink Dildo
Makes you Rise and Shine

I've often wondered
After Ozzy ate that bat
Did it plug him up?

Bring me another bat!
And a vat
Of acid.

Roger Waters, David Lee Roth, &
Ozzy Osbourne started their own
band called The Music Fuckers,
and at their shows they don't really
play music, but you get to shove fistfuls of cash up their butts &
watch them squirm in delight.

Ð

So I moved out of the shithole of the universe.
Now I live in the taint.
What's worse than flies in your rice bowl?
Realizing those are maggots, not rice.
Imagine a dead fish rotting in the sun.
Hundreds of them.
With flies and maggots.
Disgusting? Oh, no! That's delicacy!
Dry it out and that's food!
Yeah, all these dead little fish.
So the bigger fish got nothing to eat.
That's why there are no sharks --
there's nothing for them to eat.

Someone make covid airborne, like a
covid, ebola, H1N1, ergot hybrid.
That causes hallucinations.
Come on, you bioengineers!
Show me what you're worth!

email me darthfigpucker2@gmail.com

Throughout this horrible ordeal,
I must say that it's not as bad as
poison ivy on the genitals.
The blistering ooze that
sticks to your undies and
you have to soak it in water
just to get it to let go....
It's like an octopus monster
in Japanese animation.
Swollen face continuous
itching. Imagine Jack the
Pumpkin King from Nightmare
Before Christmas masturbating
for 5 days straight b/c his
dick itches, but it feels like
Edward Scissorhands giving
you a happy ending with
steroidal anti-inflamatory
cream.

The question remains
Just who is Darth Figpucker?
And what is that bulge?

Sweet! I'll be right over.
Ummm, what's your address?
Might have to wait until quarantine is done. :-(

Hey Darth Figpucker
An engraved invitation
Party in my pants

So last week I moved out
of the shithole of the universe.
Transfered to the taint.
Still smells like shit.
But closer to what I need.
And there are some pizza
places close by.
Praise be to Jesus!

So how is quarantine in the US?
Jesus... Here is like you can only go out if
21 or older, but no one obeys that.
Can't travel from one town to the next w/o
government approval and medical certificate.
Just to go shopping you have to hang
a laminated pass around your neck.
It's such a fucking scam of shit here.
The rich get richer, the poor fucking starve.

You mean you don't want to hook up?
All this remote control penis control is soooo 1990s.
Do it manually, like a stick shift.
Keep the transmission lubricated.
And never buy a Ford Fiesta.
Nor marry a Filippina whore.
Gold-digging, cheating, back-stabbing,
baby-killing sluts.
We should have let Japan have it.

After all these years
Feels like I hardly know ya
Let's keep it like that