No underwear left
Should not have eaten popcorn
Now it s Jiffy Poop

Relationship woes.
Facebook cries for attention.
Shit-stained undies view.

My cock is so small
mice use it for a toothpick.
But, hey, it feels good.

Commando square dance
Swing your partner round and round
You got crab lice now

Are you in 8th grade?
Or are you just retarded?
Ass burgers syndrome?

McJesus McChrist!
McSaving you from McSin!
McPraise the McLord!

Microwave oven
Jesus Christ didn t need one
And neither do you

Cream of Something soup
You can make it with your poop
Or use your dink goop

Missing syllable
From the previous haiku
One very long scream


I

Human being stew
Ears, toes, fingers and dinks
Hair caught in my teeth

Under old willow
Used your balls for a pillow
Jiggly as Jello

A creepy feeling
When I walked past the statue
And then it farted

Predict the future
By looking in the toilet
A shitty outlook

Amazing implants.
Titanium ball bearings.
They enjoy my shaft.

Sober companion
Jesus take the wheel tonight
Please lay off the wine

A hooker farted
When giving me a blowjob
Then blamed me for it

The diagnosis
Complex terminology
Sir,you have crotch rot

Removed the bagel
Implanted in my forehead
Next, English muffin

Orange president:
bow and worship him in awe
(Buddha of your life)

I will not thank you
I would much rather spank you
Tom Bosley's anus

Dressing room mirror
Do these pants make me look fat?
Oops I just sharted

See what I did there?
Made a troll look in the mirror
And he went away

Sixty four degrees
My favorite temperature
Thought you d like to know

Traveling salesmen
Showing housewives their big dinks
Business is booming

Come on, admit it
When you think no one s looking
You read my haikus

Oh but I know you...
Marshmallow....so soft and white
Empty calories

Missed a spot for sure
Huge bright orange piece of dung
In ill fitting suit

You personify
Redundancy and dullness.
Glad to not know you.

In Trump tower? Hmmmm
Probably cleaning toilets
Hey, you missed a spot

Let me sing for you....
Feeeelings, woah woah woah feelings...
Now I feel better

"Farts, pee, eating twat,
Eff God/Allah/Buddha/Christ,
Your haiku are dull."

Did George Washington
Remove his gross wooden teeth
For cunnilingus?

All the windows up
That s when Grandfather lets wind
Sputtering along

I m in big trouble
What do you think I should do?
I need your advice

He's no longer he
Since he has become a she
Now he sits to pee

God sucks Allah's dick
I could draw you a picture
But that would be wrong

Like an episode
Little House on the Prairie
Michael Landon s dink

Fire thy physician
Take matters in your own mouth
Suck out the poison

Azithromycin.
Eradicates testy germs.
Vacate my testes!

Snow cones made
from pee
Thick ejaculate milkshakes
Chewy fecal fudge

Wednesday underwear
Did Jesus go commando?
Share your thoughts on this

Only God could change
a broken record like you.
And we hope He does...

Tom Bosley s anus
Brian Wilson s depressed taint
John Boy Walton s Mole

Viagra!!! That's good!
Hell, I inject salt peter
to keep from nutting.

Boners -- no problem!
Spooging my pants in light breeze,
well, embarrassing.

I jack it three times
every morning or else
I'm hard all damn day.

I would be in porn
if only it weren't so small.
Damn thou, cruel fates!

Are angels sexy?
Like Charlie's angels sexy?
Tom Bosley's anus

Footsteps in the hall
Time for your medication
Here s your Viagra, Darth

Religion is dead.
God does not deserve to live.
Worship your cellphones.

I've got a headache.
Ibuprofen did no good.
I need a hooker.

Hot bicycle seat
My shriveled penis flops down
Like a tired old dog

Tuesday underwear
Not yet insulted by stains
Monday ones are shot