I knew a strange chap.
Randolph was a physicist.
Or that's what he claimed.

His diet consists
of bologna, Velveeta,
and white Rainbow bread.

His chosen career
was selling his plasma at
local blood bank.

His aroma was...
how to put it politely...
less than appealing.

His theories were odd.
I think he went back in time.
At least I hope so.

Writing bad haiku
keeps your jiggly ass in chair.
Go out for a walk.

While out for a walk
throw some rocks at old people
and kick a puppy.

Ran into myself
Thought someone was stalking me
It was my HUGE ass

Voices in your head?
Maybe it's God Almighty
It could be Satan

Granola goat milk
kale carrot veggie juice
fuck it eat Cheetos.

To live a good life
one must learn to be evil.
There's no other way.

Turtle's head pokes out.
Does it smell something to eat?
It's no metaphor.

That extra half inch
Are you sure you're good at math?
Looks bigger from here

Wait, It's not your ass
Problem is your dink's too large
Put pants on backwards

Disney killed Star Wars.
Toss that fucking rat into
The Pit of Carkoon.

My enormous ass
will not fit inside my jeans....
Time to go shopping!

Say the last line with
a thilly gay voice and lithp.
Only gay men shop.

Bin Laden was dumb.
He should have attacked Disney.
He'd be a hero.

Ho Ho Ho,Green Giant!
That dude has a long green fuse
And big green balls, too

Or even better
Stick of Dynamite. Pig's ass.
Boom! Instant pork rinds

Bombs aren't always bad.
Like, just don't kill anyone.
Blow up pumpkins, dude.

Ultra high powered
potato cannons are fun.
Decimate French fries.

One large metal pipe.
A quarter can black powder.
One large potato.

And a long green fuse.
You can buy them at gun shows.
Silly boys with toys.

She's full of hot air
That sweet sexy doll of mine
I blew her up

She has a short fuse:
Because I sent her a b0mb
She blew up at me

Walton's Trivia
John Boy stayed up late each night
Writing Bad Haiku

I recall these lines.
Starkle, starkle, little twink.
Way back in the day.

I think that "twink" now
has a different meaning,
Probably more real.

Art is as art does.
In a cephalopod's garden
by the large body of salt water.

The artist's life, dude
Misunderstood. Wait..you'll see
But Posthumously

Yet still I write more.
Like fishermen throwing trash
into the ocean.

If I could go back
and delete all my haiku
the world would improve.

Yes, of course it's wrong.
I love being so evil.
Time to stew puppies.

I should convert to
Islam for better career
opportunities.

It sucks when you're trying to help some middle eastern college kid cheat on his algebra exam and he takes for fucking ever between the pictures of the questions that he sends you so like 10 minutes of work ends up taking over an hour, but hey, money is money. Motherfuckers should give me an oil well for all the shit I do. Then I could have a harem and a labrogini and I don't even know how to spell that and I'm too lazy to look it up or even capitalize it and oops, another pic came in...
the answer is 42.

I need to pay some 3rd world shithole slave labor wage worker to copy all my bad haiku so that I can make a book from it.

Horrible Haiku
Perverse Ramblings of Old Men
by Darth Figpucker

Vagipootifus.
Ambiguitosity.
Insert profoundness.

You'll know that it's me
I have a very large head
Pink Hairy Haiku

Join the caravan
Good exercise Eat some beans
bowel problem solved

Keep talking shit talk
This is the backed up Smartfood
You made me eat it!

Back end blowout mess.
Eating Honduran Chili.
Try raw squid next time.

Better get worm meds.
Don't want them eating your brain.
Or maybe you do.

Countries are stupid.
Borders are artificial.
Come on over, friends.

Just a quick update
Headed to the bathroom now
Back End Blowout

Alien enrichment:
Hondurans at the border
(Nothing to see here)

At the canning plant
Paul put Viagra in Spam.
He thought it was cute.

Why aren't you happy?
Is it from writing poems?
Maybe you should quit.

Never have children.
There's no future for this world.
And they're expensive!

Skipped catechism
Told the nun Hail Mary sucked
Bought candy instead

kindergarten slide
Clacking sound. Plastic buttons
my pants R backwards

Boom! Crackle! Sha-Poosh!
Lightening down upon your head.
I smote all sinners.

Please, someone must know
Were these varmints on The Ark?
Sounds far fetched to me

A Cassowary
Not a trusting bird at all
Don't try from behind

Considered Ostrich?
They run fast. Lasso one!
They're always horny

Taking care of it
I've got it under control
You can rest easy

A foreign language
Good exercise for the tongue
Cunnilingus-vous?

Anticlimactic
homosexuality
vaginoplasty.

My penis is huge.
I bought a twelve inch implant.
That's mighty big lint.

She was so damn fat.
Belly button like a twat.
Pierced, juicy, and stinks.

Satisfactory
navel balloon animals
enhancement climax.

There's that Goddamn half.
Is the real part really real?
I mean, what is "real"?

It's all make believe.
The reasons for war and death.
Let's kill for numbers.

You just don't hear that.
"Our logic's better than yours!"
'Cause it's all the same.

I'm the proud owner
of a four AND A HALF inch
penis... AND A HALF!

I can satisfy
any guinea pig that lives...
But not live for long.

Ex-wife's cunt so large
and ugly, I'd call our sex
"feeding the sarlacc."

Ex husband's penis
So small. He was beating off
Looked like picking lint