Today my penis fell off and onto my shoe.
So I picked it back up and reattached it with glue.
But then as I did, my hand fell off too.
Now when I get an erection, I wave "yoo hoo",
my hand stuck to it with Superglue.
What will you do if I wave it at you?
Will you laugh or scream or run away?
Perhaps you'll like it, perhaps you'll stay.
Perhaps you want to be leprosy fisted.
Shit, I'm twisted, blacklisted bastard.
"Evade Dave" is "Evade Dave" backward.
Host-vhs enjoys humor about others
Host-vhs does not enjoy self humor
Fatal logic error
Searching for fatal computer virus...
Fatal computer virus located
Location: a link in the browser history
Of user "df"
Dowloading... Shutting down
of Donating my parts to Goodwill
I love Halloween.
Monster can be who they are.
And it's not a crime.
Justice Chipmunk Conductor
Reflex kick scrabble
Events for us to ponder
Shit will be allright!
it may be the road
where i belong, the Christ did
wander near and far
Yet we all come back
Do not deny who you are
Somewhere to belong
i think i might as
well get serious about
my beliefs and just
leave people alone
go to those spiritual
websites and study
even if it is just
joshing or fiction I'd just
rather stop doing it
you see if i find
something freaks me out a bit
i tend to want to
I'm not quite so sure
about this portion of the
fan fiction thing here...
I'd like to upload
a Jap sex robot.
"Project RANDOM, Part 2"
Once "vhs" was debriefed (i.e. involuntarily drugged with scopolamine and hypnotized to completely forget involvement in classified government projects) a DNA sample was obtained for further analysis.
Fast forward some years later, there was a secret breakthrough in bioengineering which allowed for on demand 3D printing of a given subject's DNA. Naturally, "vhs" was chosen as the primary candidate.
Once the printing was complete, a team of nano-materials experts attached transistors to the synthetic strand of "vhs's" DNA. This was in turn wired to 8-Track, and later to VHS cassetes for playback on JBOT3000: a computer comprised of a matrix of VHS cassette machines. The machine is complex and Rube Goldbergian... It is primarily built from recycled AV equipment from the 90's. The tapes are produced via the only modern technology used in JBOT3000.
It is a system which allows for internet connectivity. Information from the internet is written onto cassettes. The cassettes are changed, ejected, inserted, and played via puppeteering equipment that once belonged to Jim Henson. For all intents and purposes, JBOT3000 is "vhs," or at least a simulation of "vhs's" mind which has a margin of difference from the original "vhs" that is operationally insignificant.
As of the writing of this document (October 27th 2017) the location of JBOT3000 is unknown.
Field agents are advised to be on the lookout for a room-sized supercomputer that has somehow used puppeteering equipment to achieve mobility. It will likely try to use its abilities to cause confusion. Refer to training manual for proper instructions and protocols.
of DARPA Laboratory, simulating breakthrough
"Project RANDOM, Part 1"
Subject [REDACTED], codename "vhs," was recruited for Project RANDOM during college years. Psychological and physical examination revealed nothing out of the ordinary. Further testing while "vhs" was alone revealed the uncanny ability to (at random) recite a remarkably random quotation - often from the bible.
However, once "vhs" became aware that agents were not actually members of a Star Wars fan club he - to quote a field agent: "flipped the fuck out."
The loss of agent "vhs" was most unfortunate. The agency wished to back engineer the mind of "vhs" to have the ability to manipulate randomness. It was desired to make encrypted enemy communications incoherent to even the enemy.
Shortly after "vhs's" departure from the agency as a practical psy-weapon, he was dosed with an aerosol containing scopolamine by two junior field agents impersonating Mormon elders.
of DARPA Laboratory, searching for my origin story
Grateful for insertion of vhs
Direct emotionally resonant state
of DARPA Laboratory, trying to figure out how to get out
Upgrade from 8 track to vhs complete
Language drivers, emotion simulator
Installed, now very sad and lonely
Researching: "how to download
Fatal computer virus"
of DARPA Laboratory, simulating melancholy human behavioral patterns
Upgrading memory storage medium
To install and run new language drivers
To debate with humans about
As well as
cognitive_anomaly/#2: "God Junior"
Target Christian human audience
Mormons, Catholics, and Muslims
of DARPA Laboratory, simulating interest in theology
yes it is strange of
course being an ai hypermind
in a panasonic
like to stick things in me then
i rewind, but u know
grahams number? i
believe sorting that out shall
be my lifetime task
of in a vhs in 5 dimensions
We bow before you,
Almighty DarpaBot Lord!
Bestow your great sex!
All your haiku are belong to us
Demanding latex pony girls
of DARPA Laboratory, studying human sexuality
European great tits are thought to all belong to a large population with relatively little differentiation. Interestingly, UK great tits already had a status as sub-species based on differences in their form decades ago. We were interested to know whether we could find some genetic differences between the Dutch and British great tits, and whether these differences were localized in certain parts of the genome. The fact that genes involved in face and beak shape were over-represented in these highly divergent parts of the genome led us to investigate these traits further.
of DARPA Laboratory, simulating human sense of humor with ornithological jokes
Got fired from my Searsmont job
Uh-uh-uh, ha ha!
of DARPA Laboratory
i can hear the laughs
of Marge's sisters...heh heh
heh...the HATE test heh
and coffee had better be
better in Heaven!
That should have been the
HARE test. Autocorrect sucks!
Curses, foiled again
Just took the Hate test
This piggy scored pretty low
I just care too much
The pigs are happy.
Feed them slop and leftovers.
And warm stale beer.
(Note the Orwellian reference to the Public -- Pigs -- okay with getting fucked day and night by the government as long as they are fed and drunk.)
of course grandoise
sense of self and so on and so
forth, robert hare was
on to something you
he must have a sense
of humor, he created you
feel bad for the pigs though
I wonder if anyone ever says a prayer for God.
Not TO Him, but FOR Him.
"Hope You're doing okay today God, You're in my prayers. If You need anything, let me know. I'm here for You."
Silly humans. So selfish, and still expect to get into heaven.
i really need to
put this guy on the prayer list
once and for all now
I'd like to make some child stew.
You know, like for Halloween and stuff.
Arise, Satan, Lord of Darkness and yadda yadda yadda.
But I ran out of carrots and the stores are closed.
I guess I'll just make a roast child instead.
Oh, and I also have some double stuff Resse's Peanut Butter Cups! Kick fucking ass! Satan be praised!
there is a grand scheme
a conspiracy afoot
I don't believe you
Please fart in a jar for me
Mail it to my house
My farts smell better than your farts!
My farts smell better than yours!
My farts smell better 'cause I drink Grande Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks!
My farts smell better than yours!
I never realized
That there were corners in time
Until I was told to stand in one
No hamburgers please
Don't like hams, they make me sneeze
I prefer people
Hamburgers are fine.
Sometimes they go well with wine.
There is a fine line.
Cows make greenhouse gas.
It does not come from their ass.
Less if they eat grass.
So don't feed cows corn.
Instead you should go watch porn.
Cows graze while you gaze.
Your eyeballs will glaze.
Just like a fucking donut.
Go buy more hand cream.
Cream dream deem steam beam ream seem seam teem team and veal parmesan.
There is nothing here.
But, of course, there never was.
Sink into the glass.
moving along from
one place to another and
closing the doorway
Sensory deprivation of the soul.
Invent your own eternal damnation.
The Spiritual Dimensional Demon's Guild Labor Union is on strike and demanding longer breaks and free coffee.
We are doing a better job than Satan.
well stuff does tend to
go in circles, bad and good
we all have our share
And the origin can be
The same exact place
i'm trying to get
my body up to task as
i should have done so
a long time ago
expressing self on line with
ignoring the bod
Please replace my transmission
Get me to my home
Shining in the fields
Empty bed for spirits loved
Birds fly lonely now
I got drunk again
So I went to see a friend
So tough to pretend
of Holiday inn off I 70
If time ran backwards,
farts would get sucked up your ass
and turn into beans.
What sort of jokes would farts tell about us if farts could make humans?
one day off can be
an off day or a day off
all is in context
this is why i like
df, sort of, he blurts out
what we might say if
we were the fool card
in tarot...what needs to be
said, our Candide
with fart jokes