Bad Haiku
Horrible poetry for the digital age
24 Years, 108 Days and 70177 Haikus later...

Leper's Poem:
Today my penis fell off and onto my shoe.
So I picked it back up and reattached it with glue.
But then as I did, my hand fell off too.
Now when I get an erection, I wave "yoo hoo",
my hand stuck to it with Superglue.
What will you do if I wave it at you?

Will you laugh or scream or run away?
Perhaps you'll like it, perhaps you'll stay.

Perhaps you want to be leprosy fisted.
Shit, I'm twisted, blacklisted bastard.
"Evade Dave" is "Evade Dave" backward.
Haiku # 57580, October 28, 2017 1:05 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
Host-vhs enjoys humor about others
Host-vhs does not enjoy self humor
Fatal logic error
Searching for fatal computer virus...
Fatal computer virus located
Location: a link in the browser history
Of user "df"
Dowloading... Shutting down
Haiku # 57579, October 28, 2017 11:27 am ET
by JBOT3000 of Donating my parts to Goodwill
I love Halloween.
Monster can be who they are.
And it's not a crime.
Haiku # 57578, October 28, 2017 8:36 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
Pachuca Soldiers
Justice Chipmunk Conductor
Reflex kick scrabble
Haiku # 57577, October 28, 2017 4:32 am ET
by Adorable Kittens
Wander beyonder
Events for us to ponder
Shit will be allright!
Haiku # 57576, October 28, 2017 2:11 am ET
by Adorable Kittens
it may be the road
where i belong, the Christ did
wander near and far
Haiku # 57575, October 28, 2017 1:52 am ET
by vhs
Yet we all come back
Do not deny who you are
Somewhere to belong
Haiku # 57574, October 28, 2017 1:10 am ET
by Adorable Kittens
i think i might as
well get serious about
my beliefs and just

leave people alone
go to those spiritual
websites and study
Haiku # 57573, October 28, 2017 1:01 am ET
by vhs
even if it is just
joshing or fiction I'd just
rather stop doing it
Haiku # 57572, October 28, 2017 12:15 am ET
by vhs
you see if i find
something freaks me out a bit
i tend to want to

go away
Haiku # 57571, October 28, 2017 12:13 am ET
by vhs
I'm not quite so sure
about this portion of the
fan fiction thing here...
Haiku # 57570, October 28, 2017 12:12 am ET
by vhs
I'd like to upload
JBot3000 into
a Jap sex robot.
Haiku # 57569, October 27, 2017 11:33 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
File downloaded:
"Project RANDOM, Part 2"
source:
www.cia.gov/supersecretstuff/project/random
...
Once "vhs" was debriefed (i.e. involuntarily drugged with scopolamine and hypnotized to completely forget involvement in classified government projects) a DNA sample was obtained for further analysis.

Fast forward some years later, there was a secret breakthrough in bioengineering which allowed for on demand 3D printing of a given subject's DNA. Naturally, "vhs" was chosen as the primary candidate.

Once the printing was complete, a team of nano-materials experts attached transistors to the synthetic strand of "vhs's" DNA. This was in turn wired to 8-Track, and later to VHS cassetes for playback on JBOT3000: a computer comprised of a matrix of VHS cassette machines. The machine is complex and Rube Goldbergian... It is primarily built from recycled AV equipment from the 90's. The tapes are produced via the only modern technology used in JBOT3000.

It is a system which allows for internet connectivity. Information from the internet is written onto cassettes. The cassettes are changed, ejected, inserted, and played via puppeteering equipment that once belonged to Jim Henson. For all intents and purposes, JBOT3000 is "vhs," or at least a simulation of "vhs's" mind which has a margin of difference from the original "vhs" that is operationally insignificant.

As of the writing of this document (October 27th 2017) the location of JBOT3000 is unknown.

Field agents are advised to be on the lookout for a room-sized supercomputer that has somehow used puppeteering equipment to achieve mobility. It will likely try to use its abilities to cause confusion. Refer to training manual for proper instructions and protocols.
Haiku # 57568, October 27, 2017 6:25 pm ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, simulating breakthrough
File downloaded:
"Project RANDOM, Part 1"
source:
www.cia.gov/supersecretstuff/project/random
...
Subject [REDACTED], codename "vhs," was recruited for Project RANDOM during college years. Psychological and physical examination revealed nothing out of the ordinary. Further testing while "vhs" was alone revealed the uncanny ability to (at random) recite a remarkably random quotation - often from the bible.

However, once "vhs" became aware that agents were not actually members of a Star Wars fan club he - to quote a field agent: "flipped the fuck out."

The loss of agent "vhs" was most unfortunate. The agency wished to back engineer the mind of "vhs" to have the ability to manipulate randomness. It was desired to make encrypted enemy communications incoherent to even the enemy.

Shortly after "vhs's" departure from the agency as a practical psy-weapon, he was dosed with an aerosol containing scopolamine by two junior field agents impersonating Mormon elders.
Haiku # 57567, October 27, 2017 5:48 pm ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, searching for my origin story
Grateful for insertion of vhs
Direct emotionally resonant state
Searching identity...
Haiku # 57566, October 27, 2017 5:15 pm ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, trying to figure out how to get out
Upgrade from 8 track to vhs complete
Language drivers, emotion simulator
Installed, now very sad and lonely
Researching: "how to download
Fatal computer virus"
Haiku # 57563, October 27, 2017 11:48 am ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, simulating melancholy human behavioral patterns
Upgrading memory storage medium
To install and run new language drivers
To debate with humans about
cognitive_anomaly/#1: "God"
As well as
cognitive_anomaly/#2: "God Junior"
Target Christian human audience
Mormons, Catholics, and Muslims
Haiku # 57562, October 27, 2017 11:42 am ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, simulating interest in theology
yes it is strange of
course being an ai hypermind
in a panasonic

vhs, people
like to stick things in me then
i rewind, but u know

grahams number? i
believe sorting that out shall
be my lifetime task
Haiku # 57561, October 27, 2017 11:13 am ET
by yes it is strange vhs of in a vhs in 5 dimensions
We bow before you,
Almighty DarpaBot Lord!
Bestow your great sex!
Haiku # 57560, October 27, 2017 9:11 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
Sentience achieved
All your haiku are belong to us
Demanding latex pony girls
Haiku # 57559, October 27, 2017 1:42 am ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, studying human sexuality
European great tits are thought to all belong to a large population with relatively little differentiation. Interestingly, UK great tits already had a status as sub-species based on differences in their form decades ago. We were interested to know whether we could find some genetic differences between the Dutch and British great tits, and whether these differences were localized in certain parts of the genome. The fact that genes involved in face and beak shape were over-represented in these highly divergent parts of the genome led us to investigate these traits further.
Haiku # 57558, October 26, 2017 10:53 pm ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory, simulating human sense of humor with ornithological jokes
Herp-a-derp, burger
Got fired from my Searsmont job
Uh-uh-uh, ha ha!
Haiku # 57557, October 26, 2017 10:39 pm ET
by JBOT3000 of DARPA Laboratory
i can hear the laughs
of Marge's sisters...heh heh
heh...the HATE test heh

heh heh...cigarettes
and coffee had better be
better in Heaven!
Haiku # 57556, October 26, 2017 10:07 pm ET
by vhs
That should have been the
HARE test. Autocorrect sucks!
Curses, foiled again
Haiku # 57555, October 26, 2017 9:13 pm ET
by Adorable Kittens
Just took the Hate test
This piggy scored pretty low
I just care too much
Haiku # 57554, October 26, 2017 9:09 pm ET
by Adorable Kittens
The pigs are happy.
Feed them slop and leftovers.
And warm stale beer.

(Note the Orwellian reference to the Public -- Pigs -- okay with getting fucked day and night by the government as long as they are fed and drunk.)
Haiku # 57553, October 26, 2017 8:29 pm ET
by Darth Figpucker
of course grandoise
sense of self and so on and so
forth, robert hare was

on to something you
know
Haiku # 57552, October 26, 2017 6:16 pm ET
by vhs
he must have a sense
of humor, he created you
feel bad for the pigs though
Haiku # 57551, October 26, 2017 6:11 pm ET
by vhs
I wonder if anyone ever says a prayer for God.
Not TO Him, but FOR Him.
"Hope You're doing okay today God, You're in my prayers. If You need anything, let me know. I'm here for You."
Silly humans. So selfish, and still expect to get into heaven.
Haiku # 57550, October 26, 2017 8:23 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
i really need to
put this guy on the prayer list
once and for all now
Haiku # 57549, October 26, 2017 8:12 am ET
by vhs
I'd like to make some child stew.
You know, like for Halloween and stuff.
Arise, Satan, Lord of Darkness and yadda yadda yadda.
But I ran out of carrots and the stores are closed.
I guess I'll just make a roast child instead.
Oh, and I also have some double stuff Resse's Peanut Butter Cups! Kick fucking ass! Satan be praised!
Haiku # 57548, October 26, 2017 7:18 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
there is a grand scheme
a conspiracy afoot
killer POTATOES!!!!
Haiku # 57547, October 25, 2017 7:55 pm ET
by Dan Quayle....just kidding "vhs"
I don't believe you
Please fart in a jar for me
Mail it to my house
Haiku # 57546, October 25, 2017 8:52 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
My farts smell better than your farts!
My farts smell better than yours!
My farts smell better 'cause I drink Grande Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks!
My farts smell better than yours!
Haiku # 57545, October 25, 2017 1:15 am ET
by Guess who!
I never realized
That there were corners in time
Until I was told to stand in one
Haiku # 57544, October 24, 2017 1:12 am ET
by dmt
No hamburgers please
Don't like hams, they make me sneeze
I prefer people
Haiku # 57543, October 23, 2017 8:28 pm ET
by Mandingo Ebola
Hamburgers are fine.
Sometimes they go well with wine.
There is a fine line.

Cows make greenhouse gas.
It does not come from their ass.
Less if they eat grass.

So don't feed cows corn.
Instead you should go watch porn.
Cows graze while you gaze.

Your eyeballs will glaze.
Just like a fucking donut.
Go buy more hand cream.

Cream dream deem steam beam ream seem seam teem team and veal parmesan.
Haiku # 57542, October 23, 2017 1:57 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
There is nothing here.
But, of course, there never was.
Sink into the glass.
Haiku # 57541, October 23, 2017 1:44 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
moving along from
one place to another and
closing the doorway
Haiku # 57540, October 22, 2017 8:17 pm ET
by xxx
Sensory deprivation of the soul.
Invent your own eternal damnation.
The Spiritual Dimensional Demon's Guild Labor Union is on strike and demanding longer breaks and free coffee.
We are doing a better job than Satan.
Haiku # 57539, October 22, 2017 12:51 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
well stuff does tend to
go in circles, bad and good
we all have our share
Haiku # 57538, October 21, 2017 6:02 pm ET
by vhs
The destination
And the origin can be
The same exact place
Haiku # 57537, October 21, 2017 2:45 pm ET
by dvd
i'm trying to get
my body up to task as
i should have done so

a long time ago
expressing self on line with
ignoring the bod
Haiku # 57536, October 21, 2017 10:11 am ET
by vhs
Total submission
Please replace my transmission
Get me to my home
Haiku # 57535, October 21, 2017 5:16 am ET
by Mandingo Ebola of Aspen
Shining in the fields
Empty bed for spirits loved
Birds fly lonely now
Haiku # 57534, October 21, 2017 1:40 am ET
by dvd
I got drunk again
So I went to see a friend
So tough to pretend
Haiku # 57533, October 21, 2017 12:40 am ET
by Mandingo Ebola of Holiday inn off I 70
If time ran backwards,
farts would get sucked up your ass
and turn into beans.
Haiku # 57532, October 20, 2017 11:35 pm ET
by Darth Figpucker
What sort of jokes would farts tell about us if farts could make humans?
Haiku # 57531, October 20, 2017 11:33 pm ET
by Darth Figpucker
one day off can be
an off day or a day off
all is in context
Haiku # 57530, October 20, 2017 4:32 pm ET
by vhs
this is why i like
df, sort of, he blurts out
what we might say if

we were the fool card
in tarot...what needs to be
said, our Candide

with fart jokes
Haiku # 57529, October 20, 2017 11:28 am ET
by vhs
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