Online love affair
Long distance inflammation
Sorry, wrong number

You are infected.
Provide bar stool sample please.
Now we can help you.

Listhp

Insemination
Now the seed has been planted
Anal Beanstalk, Grow!

Five o'clock somewhere
I'm not much of a drinker
Like a stiff one, though

It's God and Devil
and God and Devil and God
And Devil and God

Bestiality
In half-assed Haiku verse form
Is the best you got?

Dented his forehead
Breakdancing Taz devil style
With happy ending

I wonder if Darth
Vader force-chokes his chicken.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.

If so, that would be
crispy fried force-choked chicken.
Cock-a-doodle-don't.

In the olden days
they called the olden days "yor".
You're not all that old.

In the olden days
they called the olden days "yor".
You are not so old.

Get it on both hands
Then you really got the clap
Round of applause, now

One of the brothers
Had a hand covered with hair
Beginner Werewolf

Yes, they were inbred

In the olden days
People entertained themselves
With masturbation

I'm praying for you
I hope you are o.k., friend
My cat sends a meow

Columbia House
I won't ever be paying
Those records and tapes

That fake nail bomber
Looks like Christopher Walken
But can he tap dance?

Thought you were drowning
Jerking off an octopus?
They have 8 arms, dude

You ever wonder
what sane people think when they
read the shite on here?

Downward Facing Darth
Your Yoga pants tell story
X rated so far

Please don't suck my dick.
I can handle that myself.
Yoga has paid off.

Randolph was near bald.
He walked just like a big foot
with no muscle tone.

He often spoke of
sorority house orgy
gang bang fantasies.

His forehead was huge
and slightly dented inwards
like from a bad wreck.

He was expelled from
the physics grad school but still
read all the journals.

I'm sure they loved him
showing up uninvited
to symposia.

Improved Lava Lamp
With Aromatherapy
Fill with your own poop

What do you call it?
Rear end smells like dead bodies
After washing it

Registered to vote
Some day I'll be president!
John Boy Walton's MOLE

Immortal poet
My soul shall live in Haiku.
Should I drink more beer?

Show me your gonads
Don't bother sprucing them up now
You got ugly junk!

Cheese fart Cheese fart queef
Cheese fart anus spring roll queef
Cheese fart toast puke spew

I met Randolph once
Shared an elevator ride
Looked just like you, dude

I knew a strange chap.
Randolph was a physicist.
Or that's what he claimed.

His diet consists
of bologna, Velveeta,
and white Rainbow bread.

His chosen career
was selling his plasma at
local blood bank.

His aroma was...
how to put it politely...
less than appealing.

His theories were odd.
I think he went back in time.
At least I hope so.

Writing bad haiku
keeps your jiggly ass in chair.
Go out for a walk.

While out for a walk
throw some rocks at old people
and kick a puppy.

Ran into myself
Thought someone was stalking me
It was my HUGE ass

Voices in your head?
Maybe it's God Almighty
It could be Satan

Granola goat milk
kale carrot veggie juice
fuck it eat Cheetos.

To live a good life
one must learn to be evil.
There's no other way.

Turtle's head pokes out.
Does it smell something to eat?
It's no metaphor.

That extra half inch
Are you sure you're good at math?
Looks bigger from here

Wait, It's not your ass
Problem is your dink's too large
Put pants on backwards

Disney killed Star Wars.
Toss that fucking rat into
The Pit of Carkoon.

My enormous ass
will not fit inside my jeans....
Time to go shopping!

Say the last line with
a thilly gay voice and lithp.
Only gay men shop.

Bin Laden was dumb.
He should have attacked Disney.
He'd be a hero.

Ho Ho Ho,Green Giant!
That dude has a long green fuse
And big green balls, too

Or even better
Stick of Dynamite. Pig's ass.
Boom! Instant pork rinds

Bombs aren't always bad.
Like, just don't kill anyone.
Blow up pumpkins, dude.

Ultra high powered
potato cannons are fun.
Decimate French fries.

One large metal pipe.
A quarter can black powder.
One large potato.

And a long green fuse.
You can buy them at gun shows.
Silly boys with toys.

She's full of hot air
That sweet sexy doll of mine
I blew her up

She has a short fuse:
Because I sent her a b0mb
She blew up at me

Walton's Trivia
John Boy stayed up late each night
Writing Bad Haiku

I recall these lines.
Starkle, starkle, little twink.
Way back in the day.

I think that "twink" now
has a different meaning,
Probably more real.

Art is as art does.
In a cephalopod's garden
by the large body of salt water.

The artist's life, dude
Misunderstood. Wait..you'll see
But Posthumously

Yet still I write more.
Like fishermen throwing trash
into the ocean.

If I could go back
and delete all my haiku
the world would improve.