Bad Haiku
Horrible poetry for the digital age
27 Years, 136 Days and 76970 Haiku later...

Cute Ass. Cheap Plastic.
Surprisingly elastic.
Wipes Clean! Fantastic!

Until you get caught
Then your retail career's shot
But, fuck elf you bought.
Haiku # 59008, September 1, 2018 1:59 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Better Gnomes & Gardens
Graveyard Shift. Kmart.
Hard at work restocking shelves.
Break: Hump garden elves
Haiku # 59007, September 1, 2018 1:48 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Kmart Mgr Store #69
Don't fuck garden gnomes.
I once fucked a garden gnome.
The worst clap ever!
Haiku # 59006, August 31, 2018 11:06 pm ET
by
Come back VHS
See, I've cleaned up all the mess
Write some new haiku
Haiku # 59005, August 31, 2018 10:17 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest
I never can win
Freaking Conjoined headless twin
She wrote all the Haiku!!
Haiku # 59004, August 31, 2018 10:13 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest All Apologies, Inc.
Neighbor's gone. Nobody home.
Go on, Fuck their garden gnome.
Leave their dog alone!
Haiku # 59003, August 31, 2018 7:02 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Better Homes & Gardens
how about the idea
I won't post any more cause
even i can't keep up

and it's just gross and
tiresome and not funny to me
how i am...
Haiku # 59002, August 31, 2018 6:59 pm ET
by vhs
Don't answer the door
With cunt juice dripping from beard
It's considered rude
Haiku # 59001, August 31, 2018 6:26 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Law & Order Fed Ex Delivery Person Edition
Poor Stephen Hawking
Got sucked into your wife's cunt
When he left the Earth
Haiku # 59000, August 31, 2018 6:24 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Cuntwatchers
Nurse, I've read the chart
Patient simply needs to fart
A sudden discharge.
Haiku # 58999, August 31, 2018 6:18 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Medical Centre
Masturbation Waltz
Becomes the Funky Chicken
Your mom just walked in.
Haiku # 58998, August 31, 2018 6:05 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest
Patient complaining of sore back
Diagnosed with interrelated cases of
Impacted colon and broken back
Cause: patient inserted head into anus
Immediately upon removal patient
Complains it's too bright demands Reversed procedure but staff refuse
Patient left still attempting reversal
Haiku # 58997, August 31, 2018 5:33 pm ET
by Sparklepony, MD of General Veterinarian Clinic
Sir, troubled rear end?
Schwinn Cure, I recommend.
Take seatless bike ride

Tandem. Two can ride.
Bring along some ASStroglide
Sphincter blown apart.

Like Napoleon
Give Josephine a cleanse too
Brown water fills loo
Haiku # 58996, August 31, 2018 5:19 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Menstrual Cyclery
He hit rock bottom
So hard he bounced a few times
After the impact
Haiku # 58995, August 31, 2018 5:16 pm ET
by MONARCH
Hippo seeks dentist
YUGE cavity needs filling
Lower breath, STINKY.
Haiku # 58994, August 31, 2018 5:05 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Vertical Smilers Association
Ride the Water Horse
Grab her steel wool mane! Orgas..
Damn. Scratched from the race.
Haiku # 58993, August 31, 2018 5:01 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Penis Paddock
I was on Facebook today and saw a picture of a yawning hippo. Reminded my of my wife's cunt.
Haiku # 58992, August 31, 2018 9:40 am ET
by
Bad constipation yesterday. Took 10 minutes to squeeze out that turd. I could feel every bit of it as it stretched my asshole open, like a blind man feeling Braille, I think I could sculpt if from memory without ever having looked at it, like a parent knows every detail of its child. I thought of naming it, taking pictures, putting them on Facebook and celebrating. But I flushed and had a shot of whiskey.
Haiku # 58991, August 31, 2018 6:08 am ET
by Anonymous Poet
Will someone please change Starkitten's litter box?
It runneth over.

Have you ever farted from your penis?

It's quite a funny tickling sensation.

I would like to be tripping whilst air shoots out my dick.
What a wild time, that would be!

I wish I could drink more than I do, but I'm not really into alcohol that much. It's okay sometimes, but it's kind of numbing and boring.

My wife's ass is too fat. If I could I'd drug her into becoming a mindless zombie and whore her out to the fishermen by the dock and buy crack or DMT with the proceeds... just kidding... those aren't available here.

The streets overflow with garbage, both plastic and human. Dead lizard mozaic roadways. Vicious looking little fuckers. Makes you glad they're dead. I wouldn't mind them so much if they ate puppies and small children.
Haiku # 58990, August 31, 2018 6:03 am ET
by
Quick Money Transfer
Go ahead, swipe your bank card
Right down my ass crack
Haiku # 58989, August 31, 2018 5:03 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Savings Bank
Clams on the half shell
Plug your nose and keep going!
Cunnilingus Class
Haiku # 58988, August 31, 2018 4:53 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Adult Education
Tip: Showcase Showdown
Give Drew Carey a blow job
Before making bid
Haiku # 58987, August 31, 2018 4:35 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Fun and Games Ltd.
Now, speaking of mud
Coming next summer, koolkats
HAIKUSTOCK!!
Haiku # 58986, August 31, 2018 2:52 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Lovebeads Stringer
Just because you puke
In Monseigneur's brand new car
Don't mean you're possessed
Haiku # 58985, August 31, 2018 1:21 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Sparkling Holy Water
Christopher Walken
Gets our ladyparts talkin'
Thanks, Colonel Angus
Haiku # 58984, August 31, 2018 1:14 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest
Like the ice cream man
The Cunnilingus Mobile
Friendly Neighborhood
Haiku # 58983, August 31, 2018 1:02 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest
Mr. Miyagi
Your pants are looking soggy
Just yellow belt now
Haiku # 58982, August 31, 2018 12:52 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Loneliest Runners
Lesbos 911
Emergency Surgery
Strapadicktomy
Haiku # 58981, August 30, 2018 11:07 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Duct Tape Enthusiasts
meh no more haikus
Haiku # 58980, August 30, 2018 10:59 pm ET
by vhs
I've detached your head
No ordinary blow job
And sucked out your soul
Haiku # 58979, August 30, 2018 10:31 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Vacuums
Wonder why you're here?
They recruited us for this
The Haiku Harvest
Haiku # 58978, August 30, 2018 8:27 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Order of Ancient Aliens
give me a break now
is what i would like to think
my teeth don't fall out
Haiku # 58977, August 30, 2018 8:20 pm ET
by VHS of rewind
Hey, Ralph Macchio!
Please stop clogging our toilet.
Karate Chop. Flush.
Haiku # 58976, August 30, 2018 8:19 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Starbucks
I watched you from here
Remote Viewing. Please, Mister!
Put her teeth back in.
Haiku # 58975, August 30, 2018 7:23 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Mall Walkers
I should have dosed that old racist bitch with acid... no one would have ever known!
Haiku # 58974, August 30, 2018 6:53 pm ET
by
A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They're all nothing!!!

I've seen leafless, naked trees screwing themselves in the fall wind as they dance on the ceiling of God, their sharp ravenous claws ripping the sky to shreds, unveiling hidden new worlds for me to get lost in, shimmering, shaking their wooden booties, nailed to a cross made out of themselves... and dancing, just as I am now doing a jig on the roof of your concrete tomb.

Come up and dance with me, Grandma. Let me be your tree. Don't be such an old stick in the mud. Dig your way out. Let's party!!

I've got a bottle of Ol' Weller's 100 proof for you. Have a drink. Yesssss, that's it! That's the old girl I remember. Many were the glorious drunken Christmas eve we spent by the fireplace. And on our last one together you still swore that Santa was real.

Mother's always been mad; I see that now. Sister went mad in ninety-two. Straight-jacket asylum in Iowa. Now it's my turn. I hear sleigh bells overhead. "Ho, ho, ho! Merrrry X-mas!!" I have seen more universes collapse onto themselves than even you have imbibed molecules of ethanol. Insanity is the birthright of our family. Thank you for your gift, Grandma. I've put it to good use... I'm writing poetry!
Haiku # 58973, August 30, 2018 6:41 pm ET
by
A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They
Haiku # 58972, August 30, 2018 6:41 pm ET
by
Skid marks and puked egg salad. Well, you're trying.
Haiku # 58971, August 30, 2018 6:28 pm ET
by
This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You're gonna go out, you're gonna start a fight with a total stranger...
You're gonna start a fight, and you're gonna lose.

There, you wanted an assignment.
Haiku # 58970, August 30, 2018 6:26 pm ET
by
This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You
Haiku # 58969, August 30, 2018 6:23 pm ET
by
Maestro lost the baton
Orchestra! Who will direct?
His penis...erect
Haiku # 58968, August 30, 2018 1:36 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Conservatory of Music
What's the assignment?
Are we still writing haiku?
Shit, I hate this class.
Haiku # 58967, August 30, 2018 12:57 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Mr. Kotter's Class
Used sandwich for sale
Egg salad still looks the same
When it's vomited
Haiku # 58966, August 30, 2018 3:20 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Lunch Box
Nudist Colony
You won't spend money on clothes
But still wear a nose

Money you will save
Until some ass misbehaves
Then come the brown stains

Skidmarks everywhere!
Soon it's Standing Room Only
Nudists. So Lonely.
Haiku # 58965, August 29, 2018 9:27 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Enzymatic Cleanse
Haiku Telethon
Until syllables are gone
Get it on. Bang Gong!
Haiku # 58964, August 29, 2018 9:11 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Topless Fundraising
hmm i guess i will
have to watch the telethon
on youtube with him

Jerry Lewis and
the other guy there, oh my then
he looked like shatner

in his old age...
Haiku # 58963, August 29, 2018 8:49 pm ET
by vhs
Labour Day, that is.
Jerry Lewis will dirt nap.
He makes the worms laugh
Haiku # 58962, August 29, 2018 6:57 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Bloopers
You can wear white pants
After Memorial Day
If there's a poop stain
Haiku # 58961, August 29, 2018 6:40 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Style Advisor
Visit Glasgow Zoo
Monkeys throw feces at you
That's the Highland Fling
Haiku # 58960, August 29, 2018 5:55 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Hey Hey We're the feces throwers...
Beautiful Pussy
Oh, you mean my "Scottish fold."
Stick your hand in. Cold?
Haiku # 58959, August 29, 2018 5:51 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Cattery
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