Don't answer the door
With cunt juice dripping from beard
It's considered rude

Poor Stephen Hawking
Got sucked into your wife's cunt
When he left the Earth

Nurse, I've read the chart
Patient simply needs to fart
A sudden discharge.

Masturbation Waltz
Becomes the Funky Chicken
Your mom just walked in.

Patient complaining of sore back
Diagnosed with interrelated cases of
Impacted colon and broken back
Cause: patient inserted head into anus
Immediately upon removal patient
Complains it's too bright demands Reversed procedure but staff refuse
Patient left still attempting reversal

Sir, troubled rear end?
Schwinn Cure, I recommend.
Take seatless bike ride

Tandem. Two can ride.
Bring along some ASStroglide
Sphincter blown apart.

Like Napoleon
Give Josephine a cleanse too
Brown water fills loo

He hit rock bottom
So hard he bounced a few times
After the impact

Hippo seeks dentist
YUGE cavity needs filling
Lower breath, STINKY.

Ride the Water Horse
Grab her steel wool mane! Orgas..
Damn. Scratched from the race.

I was on Facebook today and saw a picture of a yawning hippo. Reminded my of my wife's cunt.

Bad constipation yesterday. Took 10 minutes to squeeze out that turd. I could feel every bit of it as it stretched my asshole open, like a blind man feeling Braille, I think I could sculpt if from memory without ever having looked at it, like a parent knows every detail of its child. I thought of naming it, taking pictures, putting them on Facebook and celebrating. But I flushed and had a shot of whiskey.

Will someone please change Starkitten's litter box?
It runneth over.

Have you ever farted from your penis?

It's quite a funny tickling sensation.

I would like to be tripping whilst air shoots out my dick.
What a wild time, that would be!

I wish I could drink more than I do, but I'm not really into alcohol that much. It's okay sometimes, but it's kind of numbing and boring.

My wife's ass is too fat. If I could I'd drug her into becoming a mindless zombie and whore her out to the fishermen by the dock and buy crack or DMT with the proceeds... just kidding... those aren't available here.

The streets overflow with garbage, both plastic and human. Dead lizard mozaic roadways. Vicious looking little fuckers. Makes you glad they're dead. I wouldn't mind them so much if they ate puppies and small children.

Quick Money Transfer
Go ahead, swipe your bank card
Right down my ass crack

Clams on the half shell
Plug your nose and keep going!
Cunnilingus Class

Tip: Showcase Showdown
Give Drew Carey a blow job
Before making bid

Now, speaking of mud
Coming next summer, koolkats
HAIKUSTOCK!!

Just because you puke
In Monseigneur's brand new car
Don't mean you're possessed

Christopher Walken
Gets our ladyparts talkin'
Thanks, Colonel Angus

Like the ice cream man
The Cunnilingus Mobile
Friendly Neighborhood

Mr. Miyagi
Your pants are looking soggy
Just yellow belt now

Lesbos 911
Emergency Surgery
Strapadicktomy

meh no more haikus

I've detached your head
No ordinary blow job
And sucked out your soul

Wonder why you're here?
They recruited us for this
The Haiku Harvest

give me a break now
is what i would like to think
my teeth don't fall out

Hey, Ralph Macchio!
Please stop clogging our toilet.
Karate Chop. Flush.

I watched you from here
Remote Viewing. Please, Mister!
Put her teeth back in.

I should have dosed that old racist bitch with acid... no one would have ever known!

A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They're all nothing!!!

I've seen leafless, naked trees screwing themselves in the fall wind as they dance on the ceiling of God, their sharp ravenous claws ripping the sky to shreds, unveiling hidden new worlds for me to get lost in, shimmering, shaking their wooden booties, nailed to a cross made out of themselves... and dancing, just as I am now doing a jig on the roof of your concrete tomb.

Come up and dance with me, Grandma. Let me be your tree. Don't be such an old stick in the mud. Dig your way out. Let's party!!

I've got a bottle of Ol' Weller's 100 proof for you. Have a drink. Yesssss, that's it! That's the old girl I remember. Many were the glorious drunken Christmas eve we spent by the fireplace. And on our last one together you still swore that Santa was real.

Mother's always been mad; I see that now. Sister went mad in ninety-two. Straight-jacket asylum in Iowa. Now it's my turn. I hear sleigh bells overhead. "Ho, ho, ho! Merrrry X-mas!!" I have seen more universes collapse onto themselves than even you have imbibed molecules of ethanol. Insanity is the birthright of our family. Thank you for your gift, Grandma. I've put it to good use... I'm writing poetry!

A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They

Skid marks and puked egg salad. Well, you're trying.

This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You're gonna go out, you're gonna start a fight with a total stranger...
You're gonna start a fight, and you're gonna lose.

There, you wanted an assignment.

This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You

Maestro lost the baton
Orchestra! Who will direct?
His penis...erect

What's the assignment?
Are we still writing haiku?
Shit, I hate this class.

Used sandwich for sale
Egg salad still looks the same
When it's vomited

Nudist Colony
You won't spend money on clothes
But still wear a nose

Money you will save
Until some ass misbehaves
Then come the brown stains

Skidmarks everywhere!
Soon it's Standing Room Only
Nudists. So Lonely.

Haiku Telethon
Until syllables are gone
Get it on. Bang Gong!

hmm i guess i will
have to watch the telethon
on youtube with him

Jerry Lewis and
the other guy there, oh my then
he looked like shatner

in his old age...

Labour Day, that is.
Jerry Lewis will dirt nap.
He makes the worms laugh

You can wear white pants
After Memorial Day
If there's a poop stain

Visit Glasgow Zoo
Monkeys throw feces at you
That's the Highland Fling

Beautiful Pussy
Oh, you mean my "Scottish fold."
Stick your hand in. Cold?

Which one's hairier ?
Crack of your derrière or
Scottish Terrier?

Wearing of the kilt
Means no more pants shitting guilt
Shit in the heather

Underneath his kilt
You'll find the missing bagpipes
Blow at your own risk

Been listening to
Sithu Aye, band from Scotland
Surprised no bagpipes

Feeling free down there
I stopped wearing underwear
I go commando

Crank up the ABBA
So they won't hear you jerk off
Does your mother know?

She's in the kitchen
Preparing Swedish Meatballs
With sticky fingers

Radioactive?
They're all happy to see us!
Extending boners.