Bad Haiku
Horrible poetry for the digital age
27 Years, 136 Days and 76970 Haiku later...

Mr. Miyagi
Your pants are looking soggy
Just yellow belt now
Haiku # 58982, August 31, 2018 12:52 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Loneliest Runners
Lesbos 911
Emergency Surgery
Strapadicktomy
Haiku # 58981, August 30, 2018 11:07 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Duct Tape Enthusiasts
meh no more haikus
Haiku # 58980, August 30, 2018 10:59 pm ET
by vhs
I've detached your head
No ordinary blow job
And sucked out your soul
Haiku # 58979, August 30, 2018 10:31 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Vacuums
Wonder why you're here?
They recruited us for this
The Haiku Harvest
Haiku # 58978, August 30, 2018 8:27 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Order of Ancient Aliens
give me a break now
is what i would like to think
my teeth don't fall out
Haiku # 58977, August 30, 2018 8:20 pm ET
by VHS of rewind
Hey, Ralph Macchio!
Please stop clogging our toilet.
Karate Chop. Flush.
Haiku # 58976, August 30, 2018 8:19 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Starbucks
I watched you from here
Remote Viewing. Please, Mister!
Put her teeth back in.
Haiku # 58975, August 30, 2018 7:23 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Mall Walkers
I should have dosed that old racist bitch with acid... no one would have ever known!
Haiku # 58974, August 30, 2018 6:53 pm ET
by
A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They're all nothing!!!

I've seen leafless, naked trees screwing themselves in the fall wind as they dance on the ceiling of God, their sharp ravenous claws ripping the sky to shreds, unveiling hidden new worlds for me to get lost in, shimmering, shaking their wooden booties, nailed to a cross made out of themselves... and dancing, just as I am now doing a jig on the roof of your concrete tomb.

Come up and dance with me, Grandma. Let me be your tree. Don't be such an old stick in the mud. Dig your way out. Let's party!!

I've got a bottle of Ol' Weller's 100 proof for you. Have a drink. Yesssss, that's it! That's the old girl I remember. Many were the glorious drunken Christmas eve we spent by the fireplace. And on our last one together you still swore that Santa was real.

Mother's always been mad; I see that now. Sister went mad in ninety-two. Straight-jacket asylum in Iowa. Now it's my turn. I hear sleigh bells overhead. "Ho, ho, ho! Merrrry X-mas!!" I have seen more universes collapse onto themselves than even you have imbibed molecules of ethanol. Insanity is the birthright of our family. Thank you for your gift, Grandma. I've put it to good use... I'm writing poetry!
Haiku # 58973, August 30, 2018 6:41 pm ET
by
A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They
Haiku # 58972, August 30, 2018 6:41 pm ET
by
Skid marks and puked egg salad. Well, you're trying.
Haiku # 58971, August 30, 2018 6:28 pm ET
by
This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You're gonna go out, you're gonna start a fight with a total stranger...
You're gonna start a fight, and you're gonna lose.

There, you wanted an assignment.
Haiku # 58970, August 30, 2018 6:26 pm ET
by
This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You
Haiku # 58969, August 30, 2018 6:23 pm ET
by
Maestro lost the baton
Orchestra! Who will direct?
His penis...erect
Haiku # 58968, August 30, 2018 1:36 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Conservatory of Music
What's the assignment?
Are we still writing haiku?
Shit, I hate this class.
Haiku # 58967, August 30, 2018 12:57 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Mr. Kotter's Class
Used sandwich for sale
Egg salad still looks the same
When it's vomited
Haiku # 58966, August 30, 2018 3:20 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Lunch Box
Nudist Colony
You won't spend money on clothes
But still wear a nose

Money you will save
Until some ass misbehaves
Then come the brown stains

Skidmarks everywhere!
Soon it's Standing Room Only
Nudists. So Lonely.
Haiku # 58965, August 29, 2018 9:27 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Enzymatic Cleanse
Haiku Telethon
Until syllables are gone
Get it on. Bang Gong!
Haiku # 58964, August 29, 2018 9:11 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Topless Fundraising
hmm i guess i will
have to watch the telethon
on youtube with him

Jerry Lewis and
the other guy there, oh my then
he looked like shatner

in his old age...
Haiku # 58963, August 29, 2018 8:49 pm ET
by vhs
Labour Day, that is.
Jerry Lewis will dirt nap.
He makes the worms laugh
Haiku # 58962, August 29, 2018 6:57 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Bloopers
You can wear white pants
After Memorial Day
If there's a poop stain
Haiku # 58961, August 29, 2018 6:40 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Style Advisor
Visit Glasgow Zoo
Monkeys throw feces at you
That's the Highland Fling
Haiku # 58960, August 29, 2018 5:55 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Hey Hey We're the feces throwers...
Beautiful Pussy
Oh, you mean my "Scottish fold."
Stick your hand in. Cold?
Haiku # 58959, August 29, 2018 5:51 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Cattery
Which one's hairier ?
Crack of your derrière or
Scottish Terrier?
Haiku # 58958, August 29, 2018 5:40 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Kennel Club
Wearing of the kilt
Means no more pants shitting guilt
Shit in the heather
Haiku # 58957, August 29, 2018 5:35 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Travel Agency
Underneath his kilt
You'll find the missing bagpipes
Blow at your own risk
Haiku # 58956, August 29, 2018 5:21 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Haggis Emporium Ltd.
Been listening to
Sithu Aye, band from Scotland
Surprised no bagpipes
Haiku # 58955, August 29, 2018 4:24 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
Feeling free down there
I stopped wearing underwear
I go commando
Haiku # 58954, August 29, 2018 3:10 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest ABBA Fernando Reimagined
Crank up the ABBA
So they won't hear you jerk off
Does your mother know?

She's in the kitchen
Preparing Swedish Meatballs
With sticky fingers
Haiku # 58953, August 29, 2018 5:01 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest IKEA
Radioactive?
They're all happy to see us!
Extending boners.
Haiku # 58952, August 29, 2018 4:51 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Close Encounter
I am celibate
But open to relations
With Space Aliens
Haiku # 58951, August 29, 2018 4:42 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Saucer Nest
Polyester Slacks
Hot summer nights. Pink sweaty ass.
The Bingo Parlour
Haiku # 58950, August 29, 2018 3:41 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Fun and Games Ltd.
Watch the robot dance
I think it just shit its pants
Clang, Clunk. A metal chunk.

Now some oily gunk
Back up Human! Watch me spew...
Robot Diarrhea Stew
Haiku # 58949, August 29, 2018 3:33 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Instant Pot Reseller Ltd.
Did you lose something?
We found your dirty dildo
In the parking lot
Haiku # 58948, August 29, 2018 3:19 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Phallus Phinders Ltd.
Bright orange manure
He belongs in in the sewer
President? No way.
Haiku # 58947, August 29, 2018 2:16 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest
He turned sixty times
Hunched out a YUGE steaming coil
Trump! Get off my lawn!!
Haiku # 58946, August 29, 2018 2:10 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Raw Dog Dirt Removal Ltd.
Hemingway kittens
Wear polydactyl mittens
They eat Key Lime pie
Haiku # 58945, August 29, 2018 1:40 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Cat Lady
I am a writer
Sometimes pull an all nighter
New to Bad Haiku
Haiku # 58944, August 29, 2018 1:34 am ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest
Pay troll toll and pass
Toll payable in haikus
Breath sigh of relief
Haiku # 58943, August 29, 2018 12:50 am ET
by Troll Patrol of Bad Haiku
tried sake, liked it
better, not on here all day
have stuff to do...bah
Haiku # 58942, August 28, 2018 11:54 pm ET
by vhs of bah
Be considerate
It's ok to masturbate
Don't make Uber wait
Haiku # 58941, August 28, 2018 11:43 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Finishing School
Tired of Bad Haiku?
How 'bout trying seppuku
Then you'll smell like poo
Haiku # 58940, August 28, 2018 10:45 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest 2-ply
Boring-ass Haiku:
Count Japanese syllables
Then ask: What the FUCK?
Haiku # 58939, August 28, 2018 10:33 pm ET
by Basho Mother in Law of Honshu
When I was married
Tried to iron the wrinkles
On husband's penis

A costly divorce
(Blush) He was hung like a horse
Took to the cleaners
Haiku # 58938, August 28, 2018 10:14 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Dry Cleaning and Wedding Chapel
A Wrinkle In Time:
movie filmed in Wakanda
I'll never see it

Original text
Was full-on Anglo-Saxon;
Disney fucked it up.
Haiku # 58937, August 28, 2018 9:59 pm ET
by Lord Elector of Saxony of Wakanda
Anything for love
Guys, He ain't a cannibal
Tofu! No Meatloaf!!

No he won't do That
But he sure expects a lot
By the dashboard light
Haiku # 58936, August 28, 2018 9:34 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Food & Whine
Lobster Thermidor
Now it coats the bathroom floor
Sudden Downeaster

Funny thing, Rockland, Maine
From where my grandmother came
I won't say her name
Haiku # 58935, August 28, 2018 9:06 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Genealogical Society
Damn river turned brown
Michael Flatley is in town
Lord of the Shat Pants

From Shitkakago
Out pops the Cork in his bum
Everybody run!
Haiku # 58934, August 28, 2018 9:01 pm ET
by Starkitten of Pacific Northwest Sticka fork in him he's done
well the spam eggs spam
sausage with gyros spam beans
refried plantains and

spam are off
Haiku # 58933, August 28, 2018 9:00 pm ET
by vhs of lobster thermidor with spam?
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