I watched you from here
Remote Viewing. Please, Mister!
Put her teeth back in.

I should have dosed that old racist bitch with acid... no one would have ever known!

A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They're all nothing!!!

I've seen leafless, naked trees screwing themselves in the fall wind as they dance on the ceiling of God, their sharp ravenous claws ripping the sky to shreds, unveiling hidden new worlds for me to get lost in, shimmering, shaking their wooden booties, nailed to a cross made out of themselves... and dancing, just as I am now doing a jig on the roof of your concrete tomb.

Come up and dance with me, Grandma. Let me be your tree. Don't be such an old stick in the mud. Dig your way out. Let's party!!

I've got a bottle of Ol' Weller's 100 proof for you. Have a drink. Yesssss, that's it! That's the old girl I remember. Many were the glorious drunken Christmas eve we spent by the fireplace. And on our last one together you still swore that Santa was real.

Mother's always been mad; I see that now. Sister went mad in ninety-two. Straight-jacket asylum in Iowa. Now it's my turn. I hear sleigh bells overhead. "Ho, ho, ho! Merrrry X-mas!!" I have seen more universes collapse onto themselves than even you have imbibed molecules of ethanol. Insanity is the birthright of our family. Thank you for your gift, Grandma. I've put it to good use... I'm writing poetry!

A X-mas Thank You Note
(Shouted Through Mud)

Death is where... your butt stinks!... Even twice as bad as mine... But nowhere near as bad as my poetry. You lay rotting in the grave, devoured by worms, the stench of your decay trapped in a cement box... while I dance on top, trippin' on acid, sweaty, naked, jerkin' off, and howlin' at the moon!
... Oh,... sorry Grandma.

I bet you never had visions like I do. The giant yellow-eyed spiders, the little men who visit you in the night, the pack of wild dogs raiding the kitchen, the babies that dance on the ceiling of your alcohol withdrawal delirious tremors -- They

Skid marks and puked egg salad. Well, you're trying.

This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You're gonna go out, you're gonna start a fight with a total stranger...
You're gonna start a fight, and you're gonna lose.

There, you wanted an assignment.

This week, each one of you has a homework assignment. You

Maestro lost the baton
Orchestra! Who will direct?
His penis...erect

What's the assignment?
Are we still writing haiku?
Shit, I hate this class.

Used sandwich for sale
Egg salad still looks the same
When it's vomited

Nudist Colony
You won't spend money on clothes
But still wear a nose

Money you will save
Until some ass misbehaves
Then come the brown stains

Skidmarks everywhere!
Soon it's Standing Room Only
Nudists. So Lonely.

Haiku Telethon
Until syllables are gone
Get it on. Bang Gong!

hmm i guess i will
have to watch the telethon
on youtube with him

Jerry Lewis and
the other guy there, oh my then
he looked like shatner

in his old age...

Labour Day, that is.
Jerry Lewis will dirt nap.
He makes the worms laugh

You can wear white pants
After Memorial Day
If there's a poop stain

Visit Glasgow Zoo
Monkeys throw feces at you
That's the Highland Fling

Beautiful Pussy
Oh, you mean my "Scottish fold."
Stick your hand in. Cold?

Which one's hairier ?
Crack of your derrière or
Scottish Terrier?

Wearing of the kilt
Means no more pants shitting guilt
Shit in the heather

Underneath his kilt
You'll find the missing bagpipes
Blow at your own risk

Been listening to
Sithu Aye, band from Scotland
Surprised no bagpipes

Feeling free down there
I stopped wearing underwear
I go commando

Crank up the ABBA
So they won't hear you jerk off
Does your mother know?

She's in the kitchen
Preparing Swedish Meatballs
With sticky fingers

Radioactive?
They're all happy to see us!
Extending boners.

I am celibate
But open to relations
With Space Aliens

Polyester Slacks
Hot summer nights. Pink sweaty ass.
The Bingo Parlour

Watch the robot dance
I think it just shit its pants
Clang, Clunk. A metal chunk.

Now some oily gunk
Back up Human! Watch me spew...
Robot Diarrhea Stew

Did you lose something?
We found your dirty dildo
In the parking lot

Bright orange manure
He belongs in in the sewer
President? No way.

He turned sixty times
Hunched out a YUGE steaming coil
Trump! Get off my lawn!!

Hemingway kittens
Wear polydactyl mittens
They eat Key Lime pie

I am a writer
Sometimes pull an all nighter
New to Bad Haiku

Pay troll toll and pass
Toll payable in haikus
Breath sigh of relief

tried sake, liked it
better, not on here all day
have stuff to do...bah

Be considerate
It's ok to masturbate
Don't make Uber wait

Tired of Bad Haiku?
How 'bout trying seppuku
Then you'll smell like poo

Boring-ass Haiku:
Count Japanese syllables
Then ask: What the FUCK?

When I was married
Tried to iron the wrinkles
On husband's penis

A costly divorce
(Blush) He was hung like a horse
Took to the cleaners

A Wrinkle In Time:
movie filmed in Wakanda
I'll never see it

Original text
Was full-on Anglo-Saxon;
Disney fucked it up.

Anything for love
Guys, He ain't a cannibal
Tofu! No Meatloaf!!

No he won't do That
But he sure expects a lot
By the dashboard light

Lobster Thermidor
Now it coats the bathroom floor
Sudden Downeaster

Funny thing, Rockland, Maine
From where my grandmother came
I won't say her name

Damn river turned brown
Michael Flatley is in town
Lord of the Shat Pants

From Shitkakago
Out pops the Cork in his bum
Everybody run!

well the spam eggs spam
sausage with gyros spam beans
refried plantains and

spam are off

damn it is someone
writing a scatological
poem novel?

Hear my sexy dream
Making love. Windows all steam.
Talk Dirty! Mr. Clean!!

Have you ever fucked
A priest up the ass with a
Flaming broomhandle?

Take two Hail Marys
And call me in the morning.
Communion: Pringles

Haiku birthed Haiku
into another context
My mom yelled: DINNER !

Catholic Civil War;
My Protestants be all like:
"Yo that shit FUNNY"

All those fart haikus
and excrementality --
yes, you are quite sick