Fake cough in their hand
While yelling "Blow Job! Blow Job!"
At school assemblies

I want to give up.
Buy a farm and plow the earth.
Have a plantation.

Fruits, vegetables,
orchards, apples, peaches, figs.
Especially figs.

Ripe, soft, sweet brown figs.
Sell them in farmer's markets
to discerning chefs.

Dirt on my blue jeans.
Soil under my nails.
Proud and defiant.

They'd see me and say,
"That's one dirty little fig
plucker." Har har har.

Pig shit smells so bad.
Who the fuck first ate "chitlins"?!?!
Should be called "shitlins".

Cook that shit outside!
Right now you nasty dumb bitch!
Unforgivable!

*Walton's, not Watson's.
Dammit I suck on keyboards.
Sticky warts be bad.

You should not complain!
I've known many shaving cuts.
Mary Ellen's warts.

John Boy Walton's mole
"That bastard tried to cut me
Every time he shaved."

Pigfuckery skills
politico manifest
humpability

Interrupted kiss
Clunk. Cast Iron frying pan
Just desserts tonight

first there is a mount
ain then there is no mountain
then there's krispy kremes

Feeling rather proud.
Just killed a huge mosquito.
May have it mounted.

But then guess what now...
School's playing twerk tunes again.
Vo-Tech stripper jobs.

They might as well just
flat out teach prostitution.
Their best career choice.

Let us sing praises.
Contemplate savior Beavis.
He pooped for your sins.

You forgot titties,
twat waffles, dog turds, pigs, and
snuffleupagus.

Fart, vomit, penis:
all I read at this website
it's just not worth it

He was not the man
He had been the night before
He had no penis

That fart was my friend
But he had to mosey on
Time to eat more beans

Used to live there
I thought we smoked it all up
Ate all the Cheezies

Laughing at hoofprints
New horse in my living room
Handsome Hawkeye Pierce

Subdued Excitement
Taming unwanted boner
Live Weather Report

Medicinal scones
A decidedly High Tea
At 4:20 sharp

Always a challenge
Hopping up on the barstool
Drink til I fall off

Hey man I'm sorry
I didn't mean to flush it
Your prize winning turd

Hard Wood floor perverse

message from the floor
I like looking up your dress.
Walk on me... spike heels!

Heated seats and farts
A wet bratwurst sulphur slaw
Tailgating. Go Team!

she said people say
things are ironic that aren't
it's quite ironic

Huge bowel movement.
Dump so big, my soul feels purged.
Flush those sins away.

maple leaf you say ?
canada legalises
the world keeps turning

Worker bees can leave.
Even drones can fly away.
The queen is their slave.

The floor is Lava
Sub par restrooms. Heck, no!
Go outside. Use leaves.

Any country where
public restrooms don't provide
TP... I hate them.

Donald Trump was right
when he said "shithole countries".
And only that once.

Toilets typically
don't have a seat, just a bowl.
Flush with a bucket.

Can't post late at night
The "tablet" is Viagra
Table keeps lifting

Sometimes Snoopy wins
And he dances on his house
Dog dish on his head

Kid hated reading
Gross. Pages stuck together.
Books made Dad horny

Ben Denofer (here)
Barb Dwyer (here) Rob Graves (here)
Patty O'Lantern?

Should one move to France?
Brioche, Cats on tables, wine
Bidets, bread, berets

Bad music fart flute
Your windsong stays on my mind
Leaves skids on my sheets

Mosquito bites dink
Dink swells to almost average size
Swat pest? Maybe not...

A lamb raised by wolves
Luckily they didn't have
Any teeth or claws

VHS, you young
whippersnapper, it's no fad.
All their gens the same.

Craving bad music,
worse food, throw trash to the wind,
and can't stand reading.

I'm not being rude.
Young and old, it's what they do.
Should I move to France?

I hate apathy.
Maybe more than mosquitoes.
They have both in spades.

DF old friend, now
history must go on, we
fight incompetence

every few gens you
see, sometimes woodstock wins it
sometimes, World War II

I'm not able to
post late night, some technical
tablet issues...see

Is Chivalry dead?
Damn syllables in distress
Jumpstart my haiku?

Teach them Haiku moves
You show up. Dance like Tom Cruise
In Fruit of the Loom

VHS will pay
Top dollar. Haiku scholar.
Recruits drink baluts

I have lost all faith.
Twerking: the new school subject.
Pole dancing is next.

Government sponsored.
They seem to think this is art.
Love the Philippines.

Such a backwards place.
Litter, bad food, pollution,
whores don't use condoms.

If they spent as much money on health care education, and trash pick-up programs and infrastructure as they did on "dancing" in school programs and awards ceremonies for "who has the cleanest fingernails" (or something equally as stupid), it might be a good place to live. Other than that, stay away. Best advice I can give you. Philippines bad. Thailand good. Might pay Korea a visit some day. Korean food kicks ass.

Thailand has come a long way in 20 years. Serious improvements. The Philippines just keeps sinking deeper and deeper into the dark ages. Living there will make you lose all hope in humanity.

Carved our initials
Century old Balete Tree
Put up tire swing

Split. Bite size pieces
Safest way to eat hot dog
(Mega Jumbo size)

The Siquijor whores
selling souvenirs to fend
off evil spirits.

I just laugh and say,
"It doesn't work or else I
would be kept away."

Then they tell me where
I can buy some cooked children.
Gotta love witches.

Needs barbecue sauce.
Other than that it's not bad.
Island of devils.

I want my head pierced.
Steve Martin's arrow, but real.
That would be extreme.

Open heart tattoo.
If you want to prove your love.
Talk about extreme!

Extreme body mod.
Only split end is penis.
Someone tell me why.

He's such a nice guy
He's got the best hair ever
No split ends in sight