Bad Haiku
Horrible poetry for the digital age
27 Years, 163 Days and 77044 Haiku later...

I don't use quill pens.
I use high pressure spray paint.
Paint your face with poo!

Fecal graffiti.
Surrealistic excrement.
Poop filled fireworks!

Rains down on your head.
It fills your mouth and nostrils.
And gets in your eyes.

All you see is shit.
All you hear and taste is shit.
You know where it's made.
Haiku # 68320, October 12, 2020 6:24 pm ET
by Iron Maiden China Doll of USA! USA! USA!...
Say, if you show your
private parts to everyone
Are they private parts?
Haiku # 68319, October 12, 2020 5:10 pm ET
by Shaggy of Commune
Quill pen dipped in poop
Now arrange the syllables
Signed, Darth Figpucker
Haiku # 68318, October 12, 2020 5:06 pm ET
by Darth Figpucker of Man about town
So what do you think of the DeBeer's diamond monopoly? Think of the industrial possibilities if only diamonds were not monopolized as precious gem-stones. Diamonds have amazing properties. But we enslave people to mine them and fight small wars over them, with "ethnic cleansing". Africa is so brutal, and the diamond trade is a big part of that, but it doesn't have to be that way. Silly humans.
Haiku # 68317, October 12, 2020 2:48 pm ET
by the way, would you like to buy my poetry book
Brazillian fart porn
takes you to a higher plane.
Donald Trump knows this.
Haiku # 68316, October 12, 2020 2:42 pm ET
by His orange hair symbolizing the orange robes of Thai Monks.
It is not carnal.
Flatus is spiritual.
Re-watch Ghostbusters!
Haiku # 68315, October 12, 2020 2:36 pm ET
by Ohmmm. Mani padme *prooooot*. of Temple of The Gaseous Buddha
Darth: broken record.
Depraved carnal tedium.
Farts. Private parts. Yawn . . . .
Haiku # 68314, October 12, 2020 2:08 pm ET
by Lard is Good for You of Small Doses
I turned down the job.
There are enough sinners here.
How I love their screams.

Rise above the scum.
Listening to Mozart now.
I've no cheese or wine.

Oh how sad it is.
Do not weep one tear for me.
Save it for dinner.
Haiku # 68313, October 12, 2020 7:24 am ET
by dw
Keyboard is melting.
Holy shit, I'm on fire.
Satan's on the phone.

What does He want now?
Offering me employment.
Reading poetry.

Beer, hotubs, and babes.
The benefits aren't too good.
No 401-K ?!
Haiku # 68312, October 12, 2020 12:31 am ET
by Darth Whore-End-Us
Free Mason's don't work for free.
Nor are they masons!
Haiku # 68311, October 11, 2020 11:14 pm ET
by Master Carravagio of Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll -- no conspiracies here.
Break out the big guns.
Davinci Code's dead fetus.
Talk about karma!
Haiku # 68310, October 11, 2020 10:21 pm ET
by Leonardo of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Okay, you are right.
Munched a whole sheet of blotter.
My medication.

When you see the pig,
Please tell the whore high for me.
Abortion pudding.

Devout Catholic.
Or a devout communist.
Lying pretentious...

baby killing whores.
Salem witches weren't so bad.
Is the Pope aware?
Haiku # 68309, October 11, 2020 9:57 pm ET
by Two faces, both hideous. of Ugly soul, straight to hell.
Your medication:
Please take it and shut up, Darth.
You truly need it.
Haiku # 68308, October 11, 2020 9:06 pm ET
by Whorrendous Prescription of Pills
She smashed macaroni and cheese in the pages of her leather bound acid-free paper journal.
She told all her friends it was her MacBook.
Haiku # 68307, October 11, 2020 8:16 pm ET
by The roaches loved it.
Any questions?

Are you a whore's friend?
Not that I would even care.
Shit tick parasites.

Scamming lying theives.
Thou shalt not suffer so that
whores can fart near you.

Hitler's cool, whores no.
Unless they dress like Hitler.
And are from Brazil.
Haiku # 68306, October 11, 2020 8:10 pm ET
by Gotta love that Brazillian fart porn. of How many is a brazillion?
I've been comissioned
by Donald Trump to prove this.
Made him pay up front.

Let's review the basics.

Adolph was 56 years old when he died.
Each person makes 0.5 to 1.5 liters of farts per day.
Adolph was a vegetarian (so I've heard) so we can figure at the upper average limit of 1.5 liters per day.
56x365x1.5 = 30660 L of flatus. Mostly nitrogen, methane, and hydrogen, with a few sulfides and amides for that wonderful fart stink.
That's approximately 7.5x10^26 molecules distributed throughout the atmosphere.
The earth's atmosphere has a volume of 1.4x10^21 L.
The # of Hitler fart molecules you breathe in with each breath is...
(0.5 L) / (1.4x10^21 L) *(7.5x10^26) = 270,000 molecules.
Have a nice day!
Haiku # 68305, October 11, 2020 7:39 pm ET
by dw
Jesus. Blast from the past.
Warship the ground I poo on.
Or some such nonsense.

I am overwhelmed.
I'm working on a new proof
that all poets suck.
Haiku # 68304, October 11, 2020 7:16 pm ET
by dw
In a perfect world
Darth would have reminded us
About Hitler's farts
Haiku # 68303, October 11, 2020 5:07 am ET
by Darth is Greedy of Too busy doing math
Haiku # 68302, October 11, 2020 3:35 am ET
by Brad.
Never run from dogs.
Throw them some poisoned lunch meat.
Sit back and enjoy.
Haiku # 68301, October 11, 2020 3:33 am ET
by Cyanide is best.
Phantom flatulence
Dirty Dancing to the can
Ghost left a brown skid
Haiku # 68300, October 11, 2020 2:48 am ET
by Demi Moore TP please of Spindly hand reaching under stall
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long-stem rose
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah, give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah, when you've done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows
And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows
And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it's coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows
Haiku # 68299, October 11, 2020 2:23 am ET
by Leonard Nimoy
He doesn't eat pork
That poet formerly known
as Darth Figpucker
Haiku # 68298, October 11, 2020 1:49 am ET
by Sausage dink of Running from dogs
Everybody knows
Chestnut brown rectalplasm
Familiar fragrance
Haiku # 68297, October 10, 2020 11:46 pm ET
by Flatulence Throughout History of A Smelly Timeline
Say, kind of awkward
when they found you in that maze
with a frozen dink
Haiku # 68296, October 10, 2020 11:32 pm ET
by Darthsickle Slurper of Haiku Hotel
Wait just a minute!
One thing I know, ghosts don't fart!
Jesus that's stinky!
Haiku # 68295, October 10, 2020 11:00 pm ET
by Bartender at the Overlook Hotel.
That was just plain rude.
Candy corn?! That's disgusting!
Reeses or die!... Bitch.
Haiku # 68294, October 10, 2020 10:51 pm ET
by Boo. I'm a ghost now. of *chains rattling*
The candy corn trail
leads directly to your dink
Holidays are fun
Haiku # 68293, October 10, 2020 10:30 pm ET
by Punkin Spice of Parking Latte
Going back to sleep.
Because I'm old and I can.
... dammit. Errection.
Haiku # 68292, October 10, 2020 7:49 pm ET
by what now
She was quite proud of
her scary Jack-o-lantern.
And the neighbors knew.
Haiku # 68291, October 10, 2020 7:38 pm ET
by Hell-o-ween blood fest orgy sugar high of ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
A drawer of old parts.
I could make something with these.
Maybe tomorrow.
Haiku # 68290, October 10, 2020 7:36 pm ET
by dw
Oregon forrests.
Little people and sasquatch.
Mushrooms and chipmonks.
Haiku # 68289, October 10, 2020 7:34 pm ET
by Neck strain from looking up. of Back strain from bending down. Too much to see.
Spicy chicken wings.
Ice cold cerveza negra.
Drunken bike riders.
Haiku # 68288, October 10, 2020 7:14 am ET
by Friendly fuzzies.
BUTT, not but, but you new that.
Haiku # 68287, October 10, 2020 6:56 am ET
by Dont forget the 5 ft bong. of And 2 ft dong.
What's a good costume
to scare rednecks and police?
Armed gay black pothead?

Black leather and lace.
Studded chaps, but cheeks exposed.
Full auto Uzi.

Wearing MAGA cap,
KKK robe and tattoos.
And a large strap-on.
Haiku # 68286, October 10, 2020 6:53 am ET
by I wish I was black of For so many reasons.
Unzipping Darth's fly
Sticky syllables spill out
Baby seahorses!
Haiku # 68285, October 10, 2020 4:58 am ET
by Who is the real Darth? of Meat section
Pork is disgusting.
People who eat it, more so.
For they become swine.
Haiku # 68284, October 10, 2020 3:48 am ET
by dw
I keep telling you,
It is now Darth Whorendous!
I've given up pork!

There is nothing fun
in my loose fitting khakis.
Scabs, pus, and disease.

But they speak to me.
My bacterial friendships.
They are always there.

Ergot scrotal rot.
I get my hallucinogens
straight from blood to brain.
Haiku # 68283, October 10, 2020 3:46 am ET
by Holy shit! Look at that dinosaur!
That Darth Figpucker
The contents of his tight pants
can't be called "fun size"
Haiku # 68282, October 10, 2020 12:01 am ET
by Noticer of Details of Anywhere
Halloween safety.
Trick or treating etiquette.
Beyond "please/thank you".
What should you do when
you are given *candy corn*?
Hand grenade or sword?
The old flame thrower?
Die, Granny McFartsalot!
Let me hear you scream!
You want to be safe?
Invest in Reeses and Crunch.
Or maybe Snickers.
Forget the "bite size".
Regular size to be safe.
No year to be cheap.
Extra insurance:
Edibles for mom and dad.
You know what I mean!
Haiku # 68281, October 9, 2020 5:39 pm ET
by Sugar Rush Rebellion of Only in the US
What's your favorite
crazy music video?
What What in the Butt?
Haiku # 68280, October 9, 2020 5:22 pm ET
by dw
I Fink you Freaky.
What an awesome video.
Everything you want.
Haiku # 68279, October 9, 2020 3:20 pm ET
by the way, you need a vacation.
What's he gotten done?
Golfing and pussy grabbing?
A moral vacuum!

Almost anyone could do a better job.
Pee Wee Herman has my vote.
Paris Hilton even. Or the Kardashians.
Jerry Springer? Maybe!
Marilyn Manson. Certainly!
Yolanda from Die Antwoord. Worth a try.
Not the orange ape.
Haiku # 68278, October 9, 2020 3:18 pm ET
by Caligula
What does a fly seek?
A stinky pile of shit rot.
Mission accomplished
Haiku # 68277, October 9, 2020 11:32 am ET
by Jesus is lard
Let's get serious.
Trump is a money buffoon.
But he gets things done.
Haiku # 68276, October 9, 2020 8:19 am ET
by And the Alternative Is ?
Here come the rabbits.
They're the winners in all this.
Elmer Fudd is dead.
Haiku # 68275, October 9, 2020 7:07 am ET
by Warner Bros., Inc.
Carrots are crying.
Put your ear down to the ground.
You can hear them sob.
Haiku # 68274, October 9, 2020 7:04 am ET
by Revererend Maynard
Cows also don't care.
Until it is way too late.
Then how they complain!
Haiku # 68273, October 9, 2020 7:00 am ET
by The Farmer in the Dell Computer
The pigs don't care.
All they want is to eat slop.
They've plenty of that!
Haiku # 68272, October 9, 2020 6:58 am ET
by Old McD & MSG of 38000 locations worldwide.
The chickens are sad.
Head tilted, they said, "Bakaaw!"
I can sympathize.
Haiku # 68271, October 9, 2020 6:51 am ET
by Farmer Brown of Free range eggs for sale.
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