BAD HAIKU - Horrible poetry for the digital age
23 Years
349 Days
and
68522 Haikus
later...
I turned down the job.
There are enough sinners here.
How I love their screams.

Rise above the scum.
Listening to Mozart now.
I've no cheese or wine.

Oh how sad it is.
Do not weep one tear for me.
Save it for dinner.
Haiku #68313, by dw
October 12, 2020 7:24 am ET

Keyboard is melting.
Holy shit, I'm on fire.
Satan's on the phone.

What does He want now?
Offering me employment.
Reading poetry.

Beer, hotubs, and babes.
The benefits aren't too good.
No 401-K ?!
Haiku #68312, by Darth Whore-End-Us
October 12, 2020 12:31 am ET

Illuminaughty.
Free Mason's don't work for free.
Nor are they masons!
Haiku #68311, by Master Carravagio of Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll -- no conspiracies here.
October 11, 2020 11:14 pm ET

Break out the big guns.
Davinci Code's dead fetus.
Talk about karma!
Haiku #68310, by Leonardo of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
October 11, 2020 10:21 pm ET

Okay, you are right.
Munched a whole sheet of blotter.
My medication.

When you see the pig,
Please tell the whore high for me.
Abortion pudding.

Devout Catholic.
Or a devout communist.
Lying pretentious...

baby killing whores.
Salem witches weren't so bad.
Is the Pope aware?
Haiku #68309, by Two faces, both hideous. of Ugly soul, straight to hell.
October 11, 2020 9:57 pm ET

Your medication:
Please take it and shut up, Darth.
You truly need it.
Haiku #68308, by Whorrendous Prescription of Pills
October 11, 2020 9:06 pm ET

She smashed macaroni and cheese in the pages of her leather bound acid-free paper journal.
She told all her friends it was her MacBook.
Haiku #68307, by The roaches loved it.
October 11, 2020 8:16 pm ET

Any questions?

Are you a whore's friend?
Not that I would even care.
Shit tick parasites.

Scamming lying theives.
Thou shalt not suffer so that
whores can fart near you.

Hitler's cool, whores no.
Unless they dress like Hitler.
And are from Brazil.
Haiku #68306, by Gotta love that Brazillian fart porn. of How many is a brazillion?
October 11, 2020 8:10 pm ET

I've been comissioned
by Donald Trump to prove this.
Made him pay up front.

Let's review the basics.

Adolph was 56 years old when he died.
Each person makes 0.5 to 1.5 liters of farts per day.
Adolph was a vegetarian (so I've heard) so we can figure at the upper average limit of 1.5 liters per day.
56x365x1.5 = 30660 L of flatus. Mostly nitrogen, methane, and hydrogen, with a few sulfides and amides for that wonderful fart stink.
That's approximately 7.5x10^26 molecules distributed throughout the atmosphere.
The earth's atmosphere has a volume of 1.4x10^21 L.
The # of Hitler fart molecules you breathe in with each breath is...
(0.5 L) / (1.4x10^21 L) *(7.5x10^26) = 270,000 molecules.
Have a nice day!
Haiku #68305, by dw
October 11, 2020 7:39 pm ET

Jesus. Blast from the past.
Warship the ground I poo on.
Or some such nonsense.

I am overwhelmed.
I'm working on a new proof
that all poets suck.
Haiku #68304, by dw
October 11, 2020 7:16 pm ET

In a perfect world
Darth would have reminded us
About Hitler's farts
Haiku #68303, by Darth is Greedy of Too busy doing math
October 11, 2020 5:07 am ET

What?!
Haiku #68302, by Brad.
October 11, 2020 3:35 am ET

Never run from dogs.
Throw them some poisoned lunch meat.
Sit back and enjoy.
Haiku #68301, by Cyanide is best.
October 11, 2020 3:33 am ET

Phantom flatulence
Dirty Dancing to the can
Ghost left a brown skid
Haiku #68300, by Demi Moore TP please of Spindly hand reaching under stall
October 11, 2020 2:48 am ET

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long-stem rose
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah, give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah, when you've done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows
And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows
And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it's coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows
Haiku #68299, by Leonard Nimoy
October 11, 2020 2:23 am ET

He doesn't eat pork
That poet formerly known
as Darth Figpucker
Haiku #68298, by Sausage dink of Running from dogs
October 11, 2020 1:49 am ET

Everybody knows
Chestnut brown rectalplasm
Familiar fragrance
Haiku #68297, by Flatulence Throughout History of A Smelly Timeline
October 10, 2020 11:46 pm ET

Say, kind of awkward
when they found you in that maze
with a frozen dink
Haiku #68296, by Darthsickle Slurper of Haiku Hotel
October 10, 2020 11:32 pm ET

Wait just a minute!
One thing I know, ghosts don't fart!
Jesus that's stinky!
Haiku #68295, by Bartender at the Overlook Hotel.
October 10, 2020 11:00 pm ET

That was just plain rude.
Candy corn?! That's disgusting!
Reeses or die!... Bitch.
Haiku #68294, by Boo. I'm a ghost now. of *chains rattling*
October 10, 2020 10:51 pm ET

The candy corn trail
leads directly to your dink
Holidays are fun
Haiku #68293, by Punkin Spice of Parking Latte
October 10, 2020 10:30 pm ET

Going back to sleep.
Because I'm old and I can.
... dammit. Errection.
Haiku #68292, by what now
October 10, 2020 7:49 pm ET

She was quite proud of
her scary Jack-o-lantern.
And the neighbors knew.
Haiku #68291, by Hell-o-ween blood fest orgy sugar high of ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
October 10, 2020 7:38 pm ET

A drawer of old parts.
I could make something with these.
Maybe tomorrow.
Haiku #68290, by dw
October 10, 2020 7:36 pm ET

Oregon forrests.
Little people and sasquatch.
Mushrooms and chipmonks.
Haiku #68289, by Neck strain from looking up. of Back strain from bending down. Too much to see.
October 10, 2020 7:34 pm ET

Spicy chicken wings.
Ice cold cerveza negra.
Drunken bike riders.
Haiku #68288, by Friendly fuzzies.
October 10, 2020 7:14 am ET

BUTT, not but, but you new that.
Haiku #68287, by Dont forget the 5 ft bong. of And 2 ft dong.
October 10, 2020 6:56 am ET

What's a good costume
to scare rednecks and police?
Armed gay black pothead?

Black leather and lace.
Studded chaps, but cheeks exposed.
Full auto Uzi.

Wearing MAGA cap,
KKK robe and tattoos.
And a large strap-on.
Haiku #68286, by I wish I was black of For so many reasons.
October 10, 2020 6:53 am ET

Unzipping Darth's fly
Sticky syllables spill out
Baby seahorses!
Haiku #68285, by Who is the real Darth? of Meat section
October 10, 2020 4:58 am ET

Pork is disgusting.
People who eat it, more so.
For they become swine.
Haiku #68284, by dw
October 10, 2020 3:48 am ET

I keep telling you,
It is now Darth Whorendous!
I've given up pork!

There is nothing fun
in my loose fitting khakis.
Scabs, pus, and disease.

But they speak to me.
My bacterial friendships.
They are always there.

Ergot scrotal rot.
I get my hallucinogens
straight from blood to brain.
Haiku #68283, by Holy shit! Look at that dinosaur!
October 10, 2020 3:46 am ET

That Darth Figpucker
The contents of his tight pants
can't be called "fun size"
Haiku #68282, by Noticer of Details of Anywhere
October 10, 2020 12:01 am ET

Halloween safety.
Trick or treating etiquette.
Beyond "please/thank you".
What should you do when
you are given *candy corn*?
Hand grenade or sword?
The old flame thrower?
Die, Granny McFartsalot!
Let me hear you scream!
You want to be safe?
Invest in Reeses and Crunch.
Or maybe Snickers.
Forget the "bite size".
Regular size to be safe.
No year to be cheap.
Extra insurance:
Edibles for mom and dad.
You know what I mean!
Haiku #68281, by Sugar Rush Rebellion of Only in the US
October 9, 2020 5:39 pm ET

What's your favorite
crazy music video?
What What in the Butt?
Haiku #68280, by dw
October 9, 2020 5:22 pm ET

I Fink you Freaky.
What an awesome video.
Everything you want.
Haiku #68279, by the way, you need a vacation.
October 9, 2020 3:20 pm ET

What's he gotten done?
Golfing and pussy grabbing?
A moral vacuum!

Almost anyone could do a better job.
Pee Wee Herman has my vote.
Paris Hilton even. Or the Kardashians.
Jerry Springer? Maybe!
Marilyn Manson. Certainly!
Yolanda from Die Antwoord. Worth a try.
Not the orange ape.
Haiku #68278, by Caligula
October 9, 2020 3:18 pm ET

What does a fly seek?
A stinky pile of shit rot.
Mission accomplished
Haiku #68277, by Jesus is lard
October 9, 2020 11:32 am ET

Let's get serious.
Trump is a money buffoon.
But he gets things done.
Haiku #68276, by And the Alternative Is ?
October 9, 2020 8:19 am ET

Here come the rabbits.
They're the winners in all this.
Elmer Fudd is dead.
Haiku #68275, by Warner Bros., Inc.
October 9, 2020 7:07 am ET

Carrots are crying.
Put your ear down to the ground.
You can hear them sob.
Haiku #68274, by Revererend Maynard
October 9, 2020 7:04 am ET

Cows also don't care.
Until it is way too late.
Then how they complain!
Haiku #68273, by The Farmer in the Dell Computer
October 9, 2020 7:00 am ET

The pigs don't care.
All they want is to eat slop.
They've plenty of that!
Haiku #68272, by Old McD & MSG of 38000 locations worldwide.
October 9, 2020 6:58 am ET

The chickens are sad.
Head tilted, they said, "Bakaaw!"
I can sympathize.
Haiku #68271, by Farmer Brown of Free range eggs for sale.
October 9, 2020 6:51 am ET

It's well known that Trump often scammed the contractors who worked for him. Especially in NYC. Caused many hard working men to go out of business bc he wouldn't pay his bill. That's how he got rich. You want this POS as your leader??? Doesn't say much for you, Hitler boy.
The Nazis were thieves too. Swiss bank account billions. This world needs an asteroid!
Haiku #68270, by The ghost about to dine. of HAMBURGER
October 9, 2020 2:41 am ET

It's well known that Trump often scammed the contractors who worked for him. Especially in NYC. Caused many hard working men to go out of business bc he wouldn't pay his bill. That's how he got rich. You want this POS as your leader??? Doesn't say much for you, Hitler boy.
The Nazis were thieves too. Swiss bank account billions. This world needs an asteroid!
Haiku #68269, by The ghost about to dine.
October 9, 2020 2:19 am ET

I am craving flesh.
Roasted with BBQ sauce.
Or perhaps women.

Conquer and consume.
Devour, fornicate, repeat.
Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.
Haiku #68268, by Food, glorious food. of Didn't Beethoven write that?
October 9, 2020 2:13 am ET

Banana pancakes
dusted with powdered sugar
and lightly drizzled

with amaretto
liqueur and a line of coke
on the side of course.

Bourbon on the rocks.
A joint, shroom, and peyote.
Seven cheeseburgers.
Haiku #68267, by The ghost of Hunter S Thompson. Still hungry, Goddammit!
October 8, 2020 11:16 pm ET

Get out the big guns!
Gonna take this country back!
Kill the parasites!
Haiku #68266, by God Fearing US Citizen! of And don't forget to support your local NRA chapter.
October 8, 2020 10:25 pm ET

He didn't win the election. The majority didn't want him. The electoral dickwads put him in there. I farted. You are an alien. I mean, just look at yo mamma.
Haiku #68265, by Jerry Springer Show! With a dash of Maurey. No Dr. Phil. Fuck him anyway.
October 8, 2020 10:20 pm ET


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Haiku #68264, by GabrielHep of Malta
October 8, 2020 6:31 pm ET