I'd like to own a
pet Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Fuck what Goldblum says.

To feel young again
jerk off to Suzanne Sommers
workout videos.

I'm thirteen years old!
But my wad's a bit smaller.
Office Coffee Mate.

If ever you're down,
be thankful you're not one of
my secretaries.

You got a boner
thinking about Timberlake?
Wow, that's pretty gay.

They took down my pic.
I've already been captured.
Damn ankle monitors.

Went to Post Office
Saw your picture on the wall
Came home. Wrote poem

Went outside again
Danced like Justin Timberlake
Got an erection

So when was the last time any of you poets left your mother's basement and went outside?
Or maybe down to the pub or a beer?
Or down to the local park to smear poo on the bathroom stall door?
Go on... get out. Post what you did here when you get back.

$15 happy ending.
Evacuated.
Empty.
Void.

Autistic savant.
Calculates square root of pi.
Throws poo at poets.

Now personally
I think the latter is a
more useful talent.

God like a slumlord
Let Everything go to Hell
Come round for the rent

Truck driving preacher
Spoke of the Resurrection
Got an erection!

The mathematician
Hard at work in the rest room
Making number two

Mono podes

ya sure ever knee
Double amputees, monopoles
Smelly arthritis

Ever seen the Dude?
Was he 17 feet tall?
Knocking at your door

Praise the Living God
There is a resurrection
Every knee will bow

What will it be now?
A seagull screech festival?
To be continued...

Just checked the oven
Haiku baked to perfection
Now adding Ex-Lax

I found a shamrock
Might not be a lucky one
Made from fresh feces

Digester s Reader
Shiterature Magazine
Worstsmelling Authors

Digester

Figpucker's Tales of
Sodomy, Pyrotechnics,
and Shenanigans.

Where can you find it?
Published by Reader's Digest.
Kills your Digestion.

Cornered beef sandwich
Not so fast with the mayo
Toreador, gored

The click of the Colt
Archaic, deadly, savage
No blue steel- compares

The country I love
Changed to some other place
Hope it will survive

What the hell happened?
Youth gone changed to sorrow
Like a lightning flash

The Surprise Party
Pin the tail on the donkey
Lead them to your ass

I like that story
Send it to Reader's Digest
They should publish it

Tootsie Roll rum balls.
That's an original thought.
Use One-fifty-one.

Bacardi's strong stuff.
Your rum balls like getting drunk
and eating some ass.

One of my funniest memories is shooting a bottle rocket over the heads of a bunch of old people playing bridge at the local park recreation center one night. One of us held the door slightly ajar, I held the bottle rocket steady, and the other one of us lit the fuse. We ran away laughing like mad and didn't stop laughing for like two hours. It was awesome. But, sadly, no heart attacks like we were hoping for. Oh well.

Aren't I a work of art?! ;-)

I once set off a
Saturn Missile Battery
in a shopping mall.

Cigarette delay
so that we can walk away
and watch from afar.

Stomping on cartons
can get you detention time
or lunch room duty.

And deaf kids hate it.
It fucks with their hearing aids.
Watch them writhe in pain.

You think it's funny.
It's not cool unless you're cruel.
Which I guess I am.

I cum in yo bum.
I bust a nut in yo butt.
I spew in yo poo.

Satisfactory
deep down in yo Tootsie Roll
factory, per say.

I swear I'm not gay;
it's my nature to offend
way up yo back end.

Everything you write
Can/will be used against you
In a court of law.

I'm at a truck stop
Really fun to watch the rigs
Pulling in and out

What would Jesus do?
Stomp on empty milk cartons
In the lunchroom? Boom!

Last one exploded
Papa got a brand new bag
Colostomy bag

Keep the faith,poets
All your hard work will pay off
God reads these poems

But, back to rum balls
I always take a shit first
"Forget" to wash hands

I'm not a robot
Pardon the clunking noises
Could you oil my nuts?

While you were sleeping
Rearranged the furniture
Set your bed on fire

Strange Circumcisions
Like crop circles on hot dogs
How do they get there?

We all make mistakes
Reading this haiku might be
Your latest mistake

Account in arrears
Unauthorized deposits
No interest at all

Here's five silly bulls.
Cocks, cunts, and crusty cum cakes.
And here are five more.

Do not save your farts.
Your gut's not a bank account.
Set those stinkers free!

Dink sounds minuscule.
I would much rather say cock.
Or maybe just schlong.

Prodigious chin hair
How did I get this ugly?
I think it's chemtrails

Dink is the best word
I don't like saying penis
Leaves bad taste in mouth

Every new haiku
A gift we give each other
Like a saved up fart

Inappropriate
homosexuality
Snuffleupagus.

Wrestling match today?

Plan on wearing longer shorts
When wrestling gators