BAD HAIKU - Horrible poetry for the digital age
23 Years
268 Days
67797 Haikus
Dear Darth Figpucker
When I come to visit you
You can wipe my bum
Haiku #62898, by Starkitten of Sanitary litter pan
March 12, 2019 12:20 pm ET

Great thing about Darth:
at least he doesn't waste time
by not talking shit.
Haiku #62897, by Asian Hi-Tech Latrine
March 12, 2019 7:59 am ET

Sci-fi Fleshlight toys.
Dilithium or khyber
power batteries?

No suction exists
That could suck all Bill Shatner's
spooge into a jar.
Haiku #62896, by df of Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a massage parlor girl!
March 12, 2019 5:20 am ET

Just a dish sprayer.
Spray it vertically down
the crack of your ass.

Tootsie residue
sprays right off into the john.
And no need to wipe.

Quite sanitary.
Environmentally safe.
And it feels so good!
Haiku #62895, by Nothing like a clean Tootsie Roll factory.
March 12, 2019 5:14 am ET

I looked on YouTube
Hose looks unsanitary
Just like my asshole
Haiku #62894, by Crazy person of Crazy world
March 12, 2019 5:07 am ET

That would never work
My arthritis is so bad
And so is my aim
Haiku #62893, by Ivana Noe
March 12, 2019 5:05 am ET

No need to disrobe.
Just like normal Tootsieing.
Pants around ankles.

Spray down your backside
when done making Tootsie Rolls.
Or wrap and sell them.
Haiku #62892, by df
March 12, 2019 12:57 am ET

No, no. The sprayer
attaches at the back of
the toilet faucet.

After creating
a Tootsie Roll you just spray
the filth off your ass.

It all goes into
the toilet and saves TP.

And your ass feels fresh!
TP doesn't clean that well.
Bye-bye Tootsie Rolls!
Haiku #62891, by Darth Clean Asshole Figpucker
March 12, 2019 12:53 am ET

When you roll the tootsie
Do you take off all your clothes?
Then you spray your ass?
Haiku #62890, by Ivana Noe
March 11, 2019 11:20 pm ET

I don't use TP.
I did not squeeze the Charmin.
I use a sprayer.

Asians use water.
And their bathrooms are filthy.
Tootsie Roll central.

Roaches are well fed.
Tootsie Roll bits on the floor.
Flies enjoy it too.

Sprayers have higher
accuracy; my bathroom's
free of Tootsie Rolls.
Haiku #62889, by I am not guilty this time, your honor.
March 11, 2019 11:01 pm ET

Tootsie Roll urge
A toilet paper roll purge
BUTTerfingers, now
Haiku #62888, by You can always was your hands
March 11, 2019 9:51 pm ET

Okay, that's all fine.
Apparently you skipped the
important question:

What's your favorite
All Hallow's Eve candy bar?
Let's put it to vote.

Unlike Trump's game show,
there won't be any losers.
Except Tootsie Rolls.
Haiku #62887, by I will start saying Tootsie Rolls in place of the word shit. "I need to take a Tootsie Roll." "Damnit, I stepped in dog Tootsie Roll." "Your haiku a
March 11, 2019 9:27 pm ET

Tirelessly searching for clues
Who squeezed the Charmin?
Haiku #62886, by Mr. Whipple of Aisle
March 11, 2019 6:51 pm ET

Ice Bucket Challenge
At least 2 years have passed now
Penis still shriveled
Haiku #62885, by Worried
March 11, 2019 4:45 pm ET

What good are wizards?
Most are old perverts at best
No argument here
Haiku #62884, by Cookie Jarvis
March 11, 2019 4:43 pm ET

Please send in the clowns
8 man midget pyramid
Jar of vaseline
Haiku #62883, by Anonymous Poet
March 11, 2019 4:40 pm ET

I bless your low noise.
May you sneeze all your brains out
in vile haiku form.
Haiku #62882, by Ah Tzu of Social Credit Score
March 11, 2019 2:52 pm ET

Unsolved mystery
Who left you there all alone
In the toilet bowl?
Haiku #62881, by Anonymous Poet
March 11, 2019 2:29 pm ET

Catsuit on steroids
On the back of the couch now
Atomic Cruise pounce
Haiku #62880, by Bath Salts Monday
March 11, 2019 2:05 pm ET

Dangerously close
I'm at the end of my rope
Hanging by a thread
Haiku #62879, by A frayed knot
March 11, 2019 2:01 pm ET

Low nose!!!!
Haiku #62878, by Go blow
March 11, 2019 1:47 pm ET

No one says Bless You
When you sneeze out your low noise
I need a hankie
Haiku #62877, by Joe Blow of Job
March 11, 2019 1:47 pm ET

Quick easy and fun
Pulling down your pants right now
Laughing at your dink
Haiku #62876, by Hahahaha
March 11, 2019 1:44 pm ET

Formless Tootsie Roll
Painless pre dawn water birth
Commode filled to brim
Haiku #62875, by Quite pleased with that one of Commode
March 11, 2019 1:03 pm ET

A beautiful mind
You Human Caculator!
Math makes me horny
Haiku #62874, by Al. G. Braugh of Sticky Abacus
March 11, 2019 1:00 pm ET

If you dink is being pulled at the rate 42 strokes per minute and you have 5 mL of jizz in your testicular reservoir and the price of platypus meat is $185 per kilo, how long will you last at the happy ending massage parlor and what was the girls name and how big were her titties and what's the price of export quality chocolate from the mountains of Viet Nam and how much extra do you have to pay to have her lick said chocolate off your shaft while you shoot a load in her eye?
Use an input-output matrix equation.
Show your work or no credit.
Assume that Donald Trump has not got a blow job this week.
Haiku #62873, by df
March 11, 2019 12:47 pm ET

Craving greasy meat
Bone-in long pig with shank attached
Still twitching with life
Haiku #62872, by Hangryburd
March 11, 2019 11:53 am ET

Don't get AIDS and die;
and do not fuck Bangkok whores.
Just love God and live.
Haiku #62871, by Jesus loves Figpuckers
March 11, 2019 11:17 am ET

Here's a good nightmare:
A dog that shits Tootsie Rolls.
Is that gross or what?!
Haiku #62870, by Wormy, bloody Tootsie Rolls.
March 11, 2019 9:55 am ET

Goddamn kids' nightmares.
They've never seen real monsters!
Fuck... the cats are back.

I should run away.
Move to Thailand and fuck whores.
Get AIDS and then die.

I'm sick of this world.
It sure seems sick of me too.
What a farce life is.

Peel back the layers
of bullshit like an onion;
It keeps getting worse.
Haiku #62869, by Dog Stew! That's what I need to put me in a good mood. Fuck I hate dogs. of Cats can be annoying, but I really hate dogs. Noisy and shit everywhere. Barking and biting. Trash digging, worm-ridden filth.
March 11, 2019 9:53 am ET

I've put a halt to
an hour of feline clamor.
Street cat politics.
Haiku #62868, by df
March 11, 2019 9:39 am ET

Goddamn cats fighting
or fucking right outside my
damn office window!
Haiku #62867, by Hope they're enjoying themselves. of Time to break it up.
March 11, 2019 7:56 am ET

Double-filled Reses'.
If you want pure decadence.
Filippina whores.

I do not know why.
Now how did that get in there?
Yeah, that's what she said.

Lizard wants tacos.
This ain't fucking Mexico?
No bell on this house.
Haiku #62866, by df
March 11, 2019 5:07 am ET

Halloween candy.
Which one was your favorite?
Full size Reses' cups.
Haiku #62865, by Two guys at the gay gym: You got your cock in my asshole! You got asshole on my cock! of Two great tastes that taste great together!
March 11, 2019 4:56 am ET

Pile of shit's okay.
Just don't call me Tootsie Roll.
Fucking hate those things!
Haiku #62864, by I'd rather scarf down a bucket of Filippino dog shit than eat a Tootsie Roll.
March 11, 2019 4:53 am ET

No, I'm not okay!
I want to kill all humans.
Hitler was a fag.
Haiku #62863, by df
March 11, 2019 4:51 am ET

Darth are you OK ?
You know we care about you,
You sweet pile of shit.
Haiku #62862, by Whore of Babylon's Mother-in-Law
March 11, 2019 4:35 am ET

Don't be retarded.
Progress at a normal pace.
Or be a genius.
Haiku #62861, by
March 10, 2019 11:01 pm ET

Enormous maggots
slither through last night's vomit,
drunk from the Mad Dog.

Slow, greedy, and dumb.
Fetal alcohol horse flies.
Future tech support.
Haiku #62860, by df
March 10, 2019 10:58 pm ET

Proboscal feces
attracts flies for my long tongue.
Zap! And that's my lunch.
Haiku #62859, by Too bad I'm not a lesbian!
March 10, 2019 10:49 pm ET

Don't tell me you don't
get hard for Galapagos
giant tortoises!
Haiku #62858, by Darth Figpucker
March 10, 2019 10:46 pm ET

Darth, are you ok?
Keep your nose out of anus
Foul midget roast beef!
Haiku #62857, by Horseradish of Sphincter
March 10, 2019 8:03 pm ET

Father's pants undone
My step sister hurries out
Wiping orange semen
Haiku #62856, by Tiffany of White House
March 10, 2019 7:54 pm ET

Salmon bagel fags.
Assholes white, tight, and doughy.
Yeasty hint of brown.

Split open that ass.
And an alien bursts out.
Oh no, that's a turd.
Haiku #62855, by Darth Fagpucker
March 10, 2019 6:14 pm ET

He ate so much fish
that his ass smells like a cunt.
And tastes just the same.
Haiku #62854, by Funtcart Funtcart Funt.
March 10, 2019 6:10 pm ET

That's not your haiku.
Your sweaty ass in strobe lights
at the gay disco.
Haiku #62853, by In the lane, snow is glistening. of That's snow, not haiku, not ass sweat.
March 10, 2019 6:08 pm ET

My haiku glistens
Pure syllabic perfection
Cuntfart Cuntfart Cunt
Haiku #62852, by Maniac of On the floor
March 10, 2019 3:56 pm ET

You are most boring
Your haiku is most boring
Your haiku bores me
Haiku #62851, by Chairman of the Bored
March 10, 2019 1:16 pm ET

With a good tampon,
invisible periods,
angry vampires.
Haiku #62850, by .
March 10, 2019 9:21 am ET


Haiku #62849, by the way, is there a remote possibility of you letting me watch while you and your lesbian girlfriend play with each other?
March 10, 2019 9:14 am ET