Bad Haiku
Horrible poetry for the digital age
27 Years, 242 Days and 77165 Haiku later...

Anthropromorphic !
Disagree? Well, sniff the truth!
Drink Gin and Vermouth
Haiku # 57359, September 16, 2017 2:50 am ET
by Concerned American of Book club
vanity, vanity
all is vanity, and the old
lesson thus learned

need to read candide for the first time
hobbits, dragons and weird monster girls are not condusive to historical knowledge in...pure form...

i have no idea what im talking about
Haiku # 57358, September 15, 2017 11:59 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
Not quite true.
Candide was more of a search for happiness.
The characters traveled the world, had known riches, war, poverty, sorry, feast and famine... but they were never truly happy.
Then at the end they settled down after reuniting and took up some craft or profession and found happiness.
I really think the moral of the story is that happiness comes from finding something you enjoy and are good at and doing it. And don't rely too much on external crap like money, sex, drugs, good clothes, good food, and clandestine relationships with farm animals.
Gump on the other hand... the moral of the story was be true to yourself and be good to others, try to stay positive and don't let life get you down and good things will happen. Even clandestine relationships with farm animals. That was in the directors cut. Nothing like seeing Hanks getting butt reamed by a boar hog.
But Candide is WAY funnier than the directors cut of Gump, even that scene where Sally Fields walks in on Tom Hanks having fun with that jar of old mayonnaise.
Haiku # 57357, September 15, 2017 8:23 pm ET
by df
i heard someone talk
about Candide some time ago
on here, i think of

him as sort of the
progenitor to the one
known as Forrest Gump
Haiku # 57356, September 15, 2017 7:25 pm ET
by vhs of Voltaire was the case that they gave me
Judas selling out
Jesus, but out of silver...
Chuck E. Cheese tickets
Haiku # 57355, September 15, 2017 4:19 pm ET
by Unconcerned Murican
Damn those Euro chicks and their string bikinis making me sprain my neck.

Watched a surf girl adjust her top for about 30 minutes and I damn well felt like telling her to just take the damn thing off if it keeps falling down. How the hell is she going to catch a decent wave if she's worried about her tits falling out?
Haiku # 57354, September 15, 2017 12:02 pm ET
by df
Give me the launch codes
I'll push the button quickly
Bye North Korea
Haiku # 57353, September 15, 2017 9:20 am ET
by Unconcerned Murican of Murica
soon, like huygens did
gone from orbit to obit
good-bye cassini
Haiku # 57352, September 15, 2017 6:32 am ET
by ash
trying to summon
some folks talking ears off like
i do in real life

ears need glue
Haiku # 57351, September 14, 2017 10:37 pm ET
by vhs
So -- Darth Treehugger?
Surprised but I can dig it
Haiku # 57350, September 14, 2017 9:04 pm ET
by dvd
ride captain ride on
your pile of junk, we had fun
you got the runs don't

eat strange tacos, just
my friend's from East LAs is
good, but you know should

we tell you in Maine
where to get these superior
tacos, no way San Jose
Haiku # 57349, September 14, 2017 8:09 pm ET
by vhs
Cranky my fat ass!
I have better things to do.
There are waves to ride.

The beach needs cleaning.
I fucking hate litter bugs.
So I clean the beach.

I'm only here when
I'm bored out of my fucking
psychopathic mind.

Bye now.
Haiku # 57348, September 14, 2017 8:34 am ET
by Darth Figpucker
yup burger burger burger...

i changed jobs as the
dish guy from a hotel up the
street to a local family

restaurant which i
really like, and in summer time
it gets busy especially

at night. so the head
cook kept getting burger orders
and i kept since i

have the bad habit
of doing impersonations.


it is almost like the old Saturday
Night live sketch and now Burger Burger Burger has stuck to your Herr VHS

i think it would make a good t-shirt though
Haiku # 57347, September 13, 2017 7:40 pm ET
by vhs
ill just get mine at
the goodwill thanks...l rons
invasion earth was a

lot more fun a story
Haiku # 57346, September 13, 2017 6:41 pm ET
by vhs
Anyone wanna buy
A complete set of Scientology
Books for $3000?
Haiku # 57345, September 13, 2017 4:32 pm ET
by Gullible American
"By the way, I quit"

I would like to make a rebuttal:

Burger! Burger! Burger!

You know you like it
Haiku # 57344, September 13, 2017 4:29 pm ET
by dvd
DF is cranky
Must be mad about something
How to cheer him up?
Haiku # 57343, September 13, 2017 8:54 am ET
by Concerned American
prayer posted, let me
know how its going with those
things like 'i hate blank'

and hating oatmeal
oatmeal just wants to be loved
raisin and cinnamon
Haiku # 57342, September 13, 2017 3:12 am ET
by vhs
fear leads to anger
anger leads to hate, once you
turn down the dark path

you're guaranteed a
career on talk radio
by the way, i quit
Haiku # 57341, September 13, 2017 2:58 am ET
by vhs
Climate change can't happen
Climate doesn't change
And I had nothing to do with it
Fuck you for suggesting otherwise
Haiku # 57340, September 12, 2017 11:12 pm ET
by Unconcerned Murican of Murica, with Sean Hannity
Hurricanes are unpredictable
You are not
I'm intimidated by you
In the sense that I am intimidated
By a bowl of oatmeal - plain
Lukewarm amalgam mush
Haiku # 57339, September 12, 2017 11:08 pm ET
by Unconcerned Murican of Murica, with guns, etc
the more i kinda
read the more crosseyed i get
big print words someday
Haiku # 57338, September 12, 2017 11:05 pm ET
by vhs
i remember that
day yesterday all too well
i had never seen
The plot to some out
there political thriller
play out irl

dad was scared. i had
to go to work, life went on
changed, we remember


my father terrified
Haiku # 57337, September 12, 2017 1:43 pm ET
by vhs
no kidding, so move to
moldova, close to russia
but no hurricanes
Haiku # 57336, September 12, 2017 9:30 am ET
by vhs
Hurricanes are mean
Shooting at them makes them mad
They will kick your butt
Haiku # 57335, September 12, 2017 9:12 am ET
by Concerned American
i have no idea
of the nihilism here
but quite frankly I

want to say DADA

Haiku # 57334, September 11, 2017 8:47 pm ET
by vhs
16 years ago today
DF sat down to watch the news
He masturbated for so long
And so vigorously
He developed scabs on his penis
Haiku # 57333, September 11, 2017 1:30 pm ET
by Anonymous Poodle of Ground Zero
five turds in a line
then seven turds then five more
you got a haipoop...
Haiku # 57332, September 10, 2017 9:56 pm ET
by vhs
engrish prease, most grace
put in pot sideways, flush no
whole cuck in growd poo
Haiku # 57331, September 10, 2017 9:54 pm ET
by vhs of poop scoop
why so serious...
why not...just can't think of any
thing at this time
Haiku # 57330, September 10, 2017 9:52 pm ET
by vhs
Hermit crabs invade.
What could they possibly want?
Taking over malls.
Haiku # 57329, September 10, 2017 9:08 pm ET
by df
i stink just to break
up the monopoly game
hope i did not poo
Haiku # 57328, September 10, 2017 9:06 pm ET
by df ;-)
Having traveled the world a small bit, I find the most interesting differences in cultures can be seen in the bathrooms and how they clean themselves off after defecating.

The West prefers TP which is highly wasteful and takes a bit of energy to process at the refinery plant or tends to shorten the life of septic tanks, not to mention the trees chopped down to produce TP.

In Asia they sometimes squat over a hole in the ground, or a porcelain hole flush with the ground. Sometimes they have bowl they squat over, no seat. Sometimes a bowl with a seat but no tank (flush it w/ a bucket). Sometimes they have a tank that 90% of the time does not work. Made in China.

In poorer countries they often just poor water down their backsides to clean off which can be quite messy and makes for an unpleasant experience if you're wearing long pants into a public restroom.

However some of these toilets have a spay nozzle at the side of the toilet like you might use to spay off dishes at your sink. Those direct the water stream so it doesn't get all over the floor, gets you good and cleaned off, and does not use paper. Consider trying this. Think of the money saved and the benefit to the environment. And you get your asshole nice and clean after taco night, with or without nitrous oxide.

Your welcome.
Haiku # 57327, September 10, 2017 9:00 pm ET
by df
i think just to break
up the monotony here
here is a haiku
Haiku # 57326, September 10, 2017 8:45 pm ET
by vhs
i might end up with
bringing up Chaos Magick
but subjects always change

there's always alex jones
there's always
there's always the Illuminatus

Trilogy and of course

Hail Eris

It is a masterpiece
Haiku # 57325, September 10, 2017 8:42 pm ET
by vhs of allonzee
I believe, good sir,
you mean nitrous, not nitro.

up one's poopy hole
would kill them before the grand
explosion of meat.

Nitrous fueled flatus...
Now that might launch me into
orbit, my good man!

Of course rednecks call nitrous nitro because they likely never took a chemistry class and what they don't use for drag racing they will put into a balloon and huff at a Metallica concert.

If you don't get it, you never will.
My wife always wonders why the whipped cream runs out of gas before the cream gets used. ;-)

I had a friend that made some serious bank selling nitrous balloons at Dead shows. Oh, I love it when the freaks have seizures, often called fishing because they flop around like a fish. It's great!
Haiku # 57324, September 10, 2017 8:40 pm ET
by Darth Figpucker
remember that Abbie
Hoffmann said Yippie then blew
his brains out, i don't

know if i regard that
as a tragedy or not, i think I
do but he was an amateur

Whatever i do is a masterpiece
Haiku # 57323, September 10, 2017 7:08 pm ET
by vhs
it all ends up being just
a pissing contest between
a psychopath who

can't stand his wife
and a hypocritcal believer
who canT QUIT and

is tired of the contest
yada siss boom bah

a masterpiece
Haiku # 57322, September 10, 2017 6:39 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
maybe i should shove nitro
up your ass, make you eat tex
mex light propane

and see what happens

a masterpiece
Haiku # 57321, September 10, 2017 6:34 pm ET
by taco smell of burritos
i think i might do
serious poetry cause
everything i do

is a masterpiece
Haiku # 57320, September 10, 2017 6:32 pm ET
by vhs of up your ass
Somehow I picture
The Unibomber riding
a unicycle.

A juggling clown
tossing pipe bombs from his bike
into crowds of geeks.

Naked and painted
in purple and orange grease paint
while high on acid.
Haiku # 57319, September 10, 2017 12:05 pm ET
by df
The unibomber's
a big stinky pussy fart.
But then so are you.

I personally think bioweapons are the only hope of doing any real population control.
Kind of like 12 Monkey's and all that shit.
People who use bombs to kill are just masturbating their lives away. Sadly, I'm no biologist. You have nothing to worry about from me. But it's fun to dream.
Haiku # 57318, September 10, 2017 11:59 am ET
by df
see all that storming ?
feel the blue planet warming ?
there's rhyme and reason
Haiku # 57317, September 10, 2017 8:03 am ET
by ash
Industrialization blah blah blah
Mail bombs yada yada yada
Playing my clarinet
Haiku # 57316, September 9, 2017 11:39 pm ET
by Squidward Kaczynski of Bikini Bottom Penitentiary
If the Unabomber and
Darth Figpucker were cellmates
Would they get along very well?
Never-ending circlejerk
Haiku # 57315, September 9, 2017 11:34 pm ET
by Anonymous Paleontologist
This is not my world the world to come
Is my world
I'm not of this earth
Haiku # 57314, September 9, 2017 10:17 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
Each squid ward needs his
Spongebob...and each
Satan his Jesus

Vogon... :)
Haiku # 57313, September 9, 2017 9:27 pm ET
by Vhs
VHS "crazy"?!?!
LOL seriously!
I NEVER said that!

You're the opposite.
Boring beyond all belief.
But that's good for you.

Yes, I'm a psycho.
I tend to hate most people.
And laugh when they're hurt.

But I'm no monster.
Because I love my monsters.
Do you understand?

The reason I hate
is for what I see people
do to each other...

And to my planet.
Yes, it all belongs to me.
You wouldn't get that.

The world's MY oyster.
I would let the oyster live.
It is beautiful.

Others would cook it.
Or make rancid oyster sauce.
All for quick profit.

Hannibal Lecter
really appeals to me;
he eats rude people.

In all seriousness, I would love to see the world population decline by about 99.99% or something manageable. Then I'd be happy. Otherwise I am quite certain that we and this world are not for long. Of course I and mine would be the 0.01% remaining. Politicians and lawyers would go first. Industrialists next. And then poets.
Haiku # 57312, September 9, 2017 9:04 pm ET
by Darth Figpucker of MY planet -- it belong to me. Please leave now.
i wonder if i have
no honor or honour are
they both the same

thing and what is honor
or is it honour, semantics
word games what is

original in poetry
was Donald Trump the best
poet we've had on

the campaign trail
Haiku # 57311, September 9, 2017 8:07 pm ET
by vhs
words become utter
complete meaningless and turn
to action, Henry

Miller becomes forgotten
people become their own muses
Seinfeld reruns
Haiku # 57310, September 9, 2017 8:04 pm ET
by vhs
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