I'd like one order
of carbon monoxide, two shots
of battery acid, one small cyanide
pill, and all of it biggie sized with
a coke to wash it down.

My dream is to start up my own
euthanasia business. My
advertisements will promise
"Service with a smile."

I'm sorry, Dave, but all the tests
show that there's a golf ball size
tumor in your frontal lobe. Ha Ha
April Fools! Gotcha Bitch.

Wisdom is knowing
That suicide is only
Allotted to man.

Baloney sammiches are nutritious,
Just like Sid Vicious,
Or St. Aloyishes

I worship ducks and goats,
(goats are fun at parties) because
I am Farmer Rick, King of Golgotha

I worship cows and pigs,
For I am Farmer Rick,
King of the Free World...

Where did my computer go?
All I have is my Atari 2600,
And a porno mag....

scruffy the dog, in my yard,
blammo goes my 22 caliber,
poor ol scruffy...im gonna eat
him for supper

life is like a bowling ball,
you roll down the alley,
and go in the gutter....

Isn't all sex just consentual rape
anyway? And isn't your body
something akin to the moist towel
I use to catch my semen, some
thing I can wipe my shame on and
toss to the next man?

If Mr. T and
Nell Carter spawned, we'd hear sung
"Don't Jibba Jabba"

Oh, don't worry about this cigarette
burn, Nurse Betty. It's just how
daddy shows his love.

Late 60's party:
Sandy Duncan swaps eye with
Sam Davis Jr.

Sitting in the rest home being
spoon fed baby carrots, he asks
himself what was the point?
School, work, marriage, kids,
retirement, and now doomed to
die in the warehouse alone and
betrayed.

Scraping away at
The dark underbelly of
Our pitiful lives.

"What's she doing hittin me with
a restraining order? I'm gonna go
teach that bitch a lesson!"

Stalking prying eyes
Pretending to be gentle
Lurking scheming
Cow will get you

Emma

Their moo is evil
It shall frighten you rigid
And they shall eat you

Saddam has weapons!
Homicidal supercows
They shall destroy you

Excitement of karts--
Old motorcycle engines...
Backpack of POWER.

I have a Passport
For Tiger, it's not much money
I want a new car.

had an awesome time,
crazy loungin' with my peeps,
and dancin' with rogue.

lack of marshmallow "peeps"
makes a man go crazy
sometimes..

there goes the weekend,
i really didn't mind it,
waking on the couch.

breathing fumes all day
alternately dumb and brilliant
next i paint the phone

i think i'll stop here,
this will be my third haiku,
third to end in "fun".

at first a mistake
brush falls out of mouth - fuck it
paint the computer

i'm kinda tired,
it's not from a lack of sleep,
it's the lack of fun.

feeling kinda bored,
i think i will learn Spanish,
this should be some fun.

may seems not to come
agree about beach vay-kay
will never come home

oh,how much longer?!?!
the beach is calling my name
i need my passport

Factory farming
Should stop immediately
Freedom for all cows

you boring wanker
sexually frustrated
will you drive me nuts

wanting to skip class
will get my test back today
ready to fail now.

Busy season rules
Do you think this is a joke?
Better crush your ballzs

german class today
no one understood a word
damn native speaker

I can do this too
you will see it in these lines -
the third line as well...

I like to write stuff
But all words I use are
Monosyllabic

There, that should keep you
Occupied a little while
Stave off your self-doubt

Keep them to myself
My brain too little for that
Inflict them on you

Please don

My Haikus that bad
Looking at most critics work
Theirs are no better

Mawkishly sharp sad
Haikus cut me to the bone
Such shame and sorrow

Nice to see you back.
Site was lacking BJ works...
Of esquire type.

weekend ends too soon
good times always pass quickly
i long for more time

the organ grinder
the monkey cries out at me...
hey...who's throwing poo?

oh, look over there!
there's a badger with a gun
he will kill us all!

All waitresses blend into eachother,
The same blonde hair mixed with
the same padded buttocks, mixed
with the same desperation blowjobs in the storeroom.