Bad Haiku
Horrible poetry for the digital age
24 Years, 341 Days and 72827 Haikus later...

My mind is ugly.
Tortured, inconsolable.
Filled with vile loathing.
Haiku # 72598, October 13, 2021 1:49 pm ET
by All because of Christmas music.
Whose schlong is bigger,
Bill Shatner or Tom Bosley?
The age old question.
Haiku # 72597, October 13, 2021 1:32 pm ET
by My dog's bigger than your dog! My dog's bigger than yours!
Well, I did seek help.
After Tom Bosley raped me.
My asshole's now huge!

I went to see a
practical proctologist.
He said it's hopeless.

He just looked and said,
"You'll never poop normally
again in your life."

Now I work side shows.
Man with the walk-in anus.
Come see the polyps!
Haiku # 72596, October 13, 2021 1:30 pm ET
by $5 entrance fee. of Guaranteed to be amazed!
That old Tom Boseley.
He did a number on you,
poor strange little Darth.
Haiku # 72595, October 13, 2021 11:53 am ET
by Seek Help Immediately
I am not a troll
But then what am I? I am.....
Haiku # 72594, October 13, 2021 9:36 am ET
by Don't care if you don't like it
I am just a troll.
I suppose that's all I am.
But then, what are you?
Haiku # 72593, October 13, 2021 8:48 am ET
by That's the real question. of Think on it.
If you fart loudly
on the Jerry Springer show,
ratings will go up.
Haiku # 72592, October 13, 2021 6:38 am ET
by There's a mathematical formula for this.
Haiku # 72591, October 13, 2021 6:33 am ET
Проиграли деньги в казино?
Мы поможем их вернуть! Обращайтесь.
Haiku # 72590, October 13, 2021 5:46 am ET
by Georgesomia of Ireland
I don't like TV.
I never want to own one.
They should all be burned.
Haiku # 72589, October 13, 2021 5:12 am ET
by Truth!
Downloading bootlegs.
Have you seen Star Wars Visions?
I can't help but cringe.
Haiku # 72588, October 13, 2021 5:05 am ET
by It just seems... weird.
If I had a buck
for every haiku I write,
I would still be poor.
Haiku # 72587, October 13, 2021 5:02 am ET
by In all ways that count. of There's that c-word again.
I'll break that mirror.
Pretend I'm on a mission.
Not just finding cheese.
Haiku # 72586, October 13, 2021 4:59 am ET
by A puckered lips now. of Charlie don't surf.
Oh fucking hell yes!
Who the hell needs blueberries?
Coffee from Benguet.
Haiku # 72585, October 13, 2021 4:56 am ET
by How the eff does the coffee roaster bring out those berry notes. Amazing!
And for my next trick.
I will visit Africa.
Bring back ebola.
Haiku # 72584, October 13, 2021 4:53 am ET
by Rum and Coke-a-Cola.
Orange Tang with sugar.
Not that fucking Sucralose.
Back in the real world.
Haiku # 72583, October 13, 2021 4:50 am ET
by You don't know how lucky you are.
The ceiling fan spins.
No memories of Hueys.
I am not that old.
Haiku # 72582, October 13, 2021 4:47 am ET
by But almost.
Tom Bosley's penis.
All that comes out of your mouth.
And into your mouth.

But where do you get your info about it??? Some obscure sleazy tabloid archives? Maybe you slept with him once. He ruined you for all other men.

Anyway, I guess you could have worse addictions. Like trying on kids underwear in the dressing room at WalMart, and leaving them there with your skid marks in them, among other things. But I guess you're not from Connersville, Indiana. Are you?
Haiku # 72581, October 12, 2021 9:20 pm ET
by Let's move on, shall we? of Talk about something else... William Shatner maybe?
You keep asking things.
Are you collecting data?
Getting evidence?
Haiku # 72580, October 12, 2021 4:50 pm ET
by I'll be dead by then I expect. of At least I'm hoping.
I'll save you some time.
A summary's good enough.
But, still a bit much...

An evil chemist/scientist develops a very strong coffee plant with about double the caffeine, but still has a decent flavor. (Pure fiction b/c caffeine is very bitter -- better coffees are not that strong.)
He makes some interesting deals and blackmails people, etc. He has a successful coffeeshop/restaurant. He rents out one of his locations for a meeting one day. Japanese businessmen planning nuclear terrorism. He doesn't report it, but uses this info to play the stock market and get rich.
He becomes very powerful. Then develops brain cancer. At one of his biomedical research centers they try something experimental on him which basically turns his brain into a computer, preserving the structure, but becoming inorganic. It nearly kills him, but he lives and becomes even more powerful. He backs up his brain in a duplicate.
While at dinner one day he is killed by a terrorist / psycho at a poetry reading. (I knew you'd like that.)
The backup brain takes over the world. Eventually it wipes out the human race and builds a space armada to take over the universe.
It does so and eventually develops ways to travel to other dimensions/universes. This goes on for a long time. Conquer and assimilate. Yeah, kind of Borg-ish.
But then finally... it becomes God. Not "a god", but God. The God. And it sees that it has to go back in time to its original universe, all powerful in our universe, but without memory.
It comes to the realization that to ever be happy it must give up being God. It goes to earth as a human and is killed by someone that he did wrong to back in the old days.
And that's all. Pretty boring. Lots of rambling and bullshit. You wouldn't like it. I'm pretty sure it's free and not too hard to find. If you don't know by now, I don't really care. I'll spare you the misery. Don't read it.
Haiku # 72579, October 12, 2021 4:43 pm ET
by But my farts are for sale. of $59.99 per bottle of compressed Figgy Farts. 200 psi. Holds one pound per bottle.
Haiku # 72578, October 12, 2021 3:38 pm ET
by Richardwaf of Slovakia
Haiku # 72577, October 12, 2021 3:37 pm ET
by Richardwaf of Slovakia
"plays with a monkey"
That pretty much sums it up.
Or: "plays with a pig"
Haiku # 72576, October 12, 2021 12:57 pm ET
by Calif Usman of Mecca and Medina
Darth tries very hard
to be both rude and evil.
But he is just stuck.
Haiku # 72575, October 12, 2021 12:40 pm ET
by Stuck Pig of Poetry
Smoke tea, daddy-o!
Get hip to some swingin' verse.
Wear black turtleneck.
Haiku # 72574, October 12, 2021 12:34 pm ET
by A. Ginsberg's Corpse of OM AHA
Count Lautreamont
Already covered those themes.
Go read "Maldoror".
Haiku # 72573, October 12, 2021 12:30 pm ET
by Andre Breton's Umbrella
About your book, Darth . . .
I would not PAY to read it,
but for free, maybe.
Haiku # 72572, October 12, 2021 12:29 pm ET
by Internet Star for 7 seconds
I like limmericks.
They're more lively than haiku.
And they are ALL bad.
Haiku # 72571, October 12, 2021 10:55 am ET
by ??? of Well, this ain't no Irish pub, damn it all.
Which do you prefer?
Waffles with maple syrup,
biscuits and gravy?
Haiku # 72570, October 12, 2021 10:50 am ET
by Or maybe both!
FaceBook going down.
Just like a whore in Manila.
Not that I would know.
Haiku # 72569, October 12, 2021 10:45 am ET
by Ahem.
Dragging on sessions.
Extending the time beyond.
All about money.
Haiku # 72568, October 12, 2021 10:42 am ET
by The real purpose of haiku! of So now you know.
So many choices!
And we ask what your name is.
Five dollar price hike.
Haiku # 72567, October 12, 2021 10:38 am ET
by But you feel special, yes? of Pot pie with happy ending, just like that movie.
Would you like whole wheat
or just plain flour for crust?
Do you feel special?
Haiku # 72566, October 12, 2021 10:34 am ET
by You should!
We have all pot pies.
Turkey, beef, pork, octopus.
Just like gram gram made.
Haiku # 72565, October 12, 2021 10:21 am ET
by Made with real pot! of No synthetic cannibis in our pot pies!
Do you like pot pies?
You can order them online.
Half hour or free.
Haiku # 72564, October 12, 2021 10:08 am ET
Sometimes I like tea.
Chai tea with milk and sugar.
I'm so enlightened.
Haiku # 72563, October 12, 2021 10:01 am ET
by Ohhhmmmmm... and stuff.
I find no info
about Tom Bosley's penis
anywhere online.

This is a problem.
How can we replicate it
without any pics?

We can rob his grave.
Yes, the penis had rotted.
But there's DNA!

We'll clone Tom Bosley.
Thousands of Tom Bosley clones!
And we'll whore them out.

But... what if it's small?
It's a huge risk we're taking.
It's all for science.
Haiku # 72562, October 12, 2021 9:59 am ET
by I hope you're right about this. of My clone tanks are ready.
Order a dildo.
Life size Tom Bosley penis.
And shut the hell up.

You're more into it
than I am about good cheese.
You know that it's true.

"Tom Bosley's penis."
"Tom Bosley's penis again."
"Tom Bosley's penis."

Here's what you can do.
Buy a large block of edam.
Carve a life-like schlong.

It isn't dick cheese.
So I guess it's a cheese dick.
Just like a poet.
Haiku # 72561, October 12, 2021 9:47 am ET
by Me so funny!... smelling.
Is five syllables. So is
Tom Bosley's penis
Haiku # 72560, October 12, 2021 12:44 am ET
by Undung Hero
I spelled it like geese
but that was autocorrect
I beg your pardon
Haiku # 72559, October 11, 2021 11:35 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
How's tricks Figpucker?
What's going on over there
in the Philippines?
Haiku # 72558, October 11, 2021 11:34 pm ET
by I've argued with most of the employeese of customer service over there
I don't mind drug ads.
But why can't they be good drugs?!
LSD and shit!
Haiku # 72557, October 11, 2021 10:45 pm ET
by Take that psych ward shit and shove it up your ass.
I just love your YouTube channel
Haiku # 72556, October 11, 2021 9:55 pm ET
by Anonymous Poet
David's off his meds
Someone fucked a wheel of cheese
up in Latvia
Haiku # 72555, October 11, 2021 9:54 pm ET
by Fat Paycheck of Wheel of Misfortune
Haiku # 72554, October 11, 2021 7:57 pm ET
by Davidligma of Latvia
Where are you beatniks?
I'll be waiting over here
you gone daddy-o
Haiku # 72553, October 11, 2021 7:28 pm ET
by Jack Haikurouac of Lowell, MA
When the seagull shits
and whenst the eagle doth shit
Remember these words
Haiku # 72552, October 11, 2021 5:40 pm ET
by Bird Shit! of The Future
There's too much conflict.
Do you think there will be war?
China, I'd suspect.
Haiku # 72551, October 11, 2021 2:10 pm ET
by I'm almost hoping.
Sodomy, no thanks.
Nothing wrong with selling slaves.
Plunder and pillage.

Yo ho ho and stuff.
Fly the old Jolly Roger.
Black powder cannons.

But don't stand too close.
You'll singe your eyebrows right off.
Just like Asian girls.

But no sodomy!

My girl's twat is deep and wide.
I can damn near fit my arm inside.
I'm sure her butt's a better fit.
But I'm not into fucking shit.
Haiku # 72550, October 11, 2021 2:05 pm ET
by Onward, laddies! Take that nuclear sub! of Yarrrr!!!
Good advertising.
Antidepressant meds on
a poetry site.
Haiku # 72549, October 11, 2021 1:42 pm ET
by Genius, really.
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