Make yourself useful
Just seventeen syllables
The least you could do
by Will 2Live of Lost
Queef Puffed Waffle Bites.
The latest mall kiosk craze.
Please don't use katsup.
Next to Santaland.
You'll shoot your other eye out.
How will you watch porn?
by One-eyed wonder worm
God, I hate Christmas.
The man who invented it
should be crucified.
by DW. of blast from the past. Oy vey! Showing my roots.
If you send a dink,
please send Tutankhamun's dink,
all covered in gold.
For a Christmas gift,
that would be quite uncommon.
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
by At present, Tutankhamun's mummy is in its original resting place in the Valley of the Kings in the KV62 chamber.
When hermit crabs poo
do they keep it in their shell?
Sort of like poets?
by Darth WHORENDOUS! of Figpucker is dead, I killed him.
There's a little Darth
Figpucker in all of us
this time of the year
by Secret Santa of Undisclosed
I guess I'll tell you
You'll be getting a package
A mummified dink
by Tracking number of Shipment Details: Contents Dick Clark's mummified dink
You peeked at your gift?
It should have been a surprise.
Jack in the box poo.
by Turn the handle, it plays music, then *SPROING!* you are literally shit-faced. of Wait until you see what's in store for New Years!
Unwrapping each gift
Reveals yet another box
of human feces
by Just another of Shitty Christmas
Egg nog enemas
are what make the reindeer fly.
Don't try it at home.
by Myristicin Rehab Clinic of North Pole
YOU are the true beef.
You are the true laughing stock,
Because you say MOO.
by Livestock Management of Haikoo
Rare Roast Beef Luncheon
A polyester sous vide
Cooked in Grandma's pants
by Bingo of Everyone wins
Doctor Shiva speaks.
Variety of topics
Pertaining to fraud
by Untouchable Mind of Ayudarrai
Set grandma on fire
Take her to bingo parlor
Let them deal with it
by Jim Morrison of Come on baby light my grandma.
Sunday the thirteenth
Worse than Friday the thirteenth
Because it's Sunday
by Lifestyle correspondent
Flat Earth vs. gas:
Which one is an illusion?
Flat Earthulence. Both.
by Flatus Sextus of Holy Roman Imp Pyre
Yeah, South Park did it.
South Park also did one on
The Simpsons did it.
You can hold your farts.
You can also hold my farts.
Only in your mouth.
by DW
Do you think God farts?
Or is He madeth from Gas
Sure stinx not knowing
by Run of the mill sinner of Earthly Plane
Here's the solution
Everyone hold in your farts
Too late for this one
by Sneaky One of Reverberation
Cows produce methane
mostly by eructation;
Not much by flatus.
It is a fact that
methane produced by bovines
rivals CO2.
by Greenhouse gas armchair scientist. of Those poor polar bears.
They are all liars.
These Goddamn Filipinas.
A country of whores.
No, that isn't true.
That is an insult to whores.
Whores are more honest.
by DW of In my element.
They are all liars.
These Goddamn Filipinas.
A country of whore
No, that isn't true.
That is an insult to whores.
Whores are more honest.
by DW of In my element.
Cows do not smoke grass
It passes through their four stomachs
They do pass loud gas
by Fart Farmer of Fart Farm
Cookbook for the Stoned
Top gift for the budding chef
at one with the couch
All the recipes
can be prepared while lounging
using just one hand
by I. Ambaked of You should get baked too
"Covid" is control.
They will milk the cow to death,
Then sell you the milk.
by Stop Masking
Stoned Extroverts
Conversations with Potheads
Stoned Introverts
by A. Bongasbigasthesun of Superbaked
Look, here comes Fauci
Everyone pull up your pants
and social distance
by Noticer of Details of Bad Haiku Boom Boom Room
Fung Fung make jig-jig.
Raise big money for the Dems.
(And she swallow well).
by Eric the Red of Cali Cartel
"Get a room!", they said
Germs spewed on every surface
Make Covid sexy
by U. Cleanitup of Getting Busy
What grew overnight?
What unhealthy fungal blight
at this sickly site?
by Fung Fung of Fun Guy
One plus one is two.
That's about all I'm sure of.
Sometimes I have doubts.
by DW dink injection. of $8.99 at Walmart. No therapeutic claims are made.
The War on Christmas
Flamethrower to Santa's ass
Reindeer steaks tonight!
by Lump O'Coal of Stocking
If I get the "shot"
Will it improve my math skills?
Is there a booster?
by Warped Speed of Under the bewitching spell of Darth Figpucker
If you can survive
what comes out my scabby "dink"
you'll survive covid.
by DW of If you get several whores at once, it's cheaper per whore!
Bending over now
A seventeen syllable
salute to you all
by Like that Norman Rockwell painting of Doctor's office wall
Free Vaccinations
for all Bad Haiku poets
(really just Darth's dink)
by Next of In line (in your dreams)
Corona saves lives.
Because you're not going out
doing stupid shit.
We need a real germ.
A virus that kicks some ass.
Flesh eating butt slime.
Maybe a smart germ.
A germ that targets poets.
And politicians.
by Huwan Wuhan
The way you lean back
and take a sip of that nog
Fuck me, Santa Clause
by Noel of No Tell Motel
Cartwheel Cartwheel split
What an unfortunate time
for the urge to shit
by A. Changeofpants of Physically Phit Butt Plastered With Shit
Sometimes you have to
plug your nose and keep going
Try Cunnilingus
by Cunnilingus Cunningham of Flying Aer Lingus
You asked for poems
So I looked inside myself
and haikued this out
by Regular Haiku Poet of Under old willow
Anything you say
Martha Raye at your service
Call me the Big Mouth
by Horny Ghoul of Whenever. Wherever.
Oh thou, vile Dork Lard
We bow down and worship Thee
(Because you're SILLY)
by Silly Billy of Absolute Maleficence
Take out your dentures.
Polygrip sticks to your mask.
And to pubic hair.
by No teeth guaranteed. of You dirty old whore.
Infidelity
If you don't think about it
It has its good points
by Side Piece of On the side
Having a hard time
Administering blow jobs
with this Covid mask
by Pearl Drop of Fresh Breath
Why are you a pig?
You should be in a sandwich.
Except you're rancid.
Diseased and toxic.
We'll throw you into a pit.
Bury you alive.
by H1N1 memories of Flame throwers more appropriate.
Perfect hemispheres.
Longboarding ladies poo stance.
Sexy butt silly.
by Rear view lip slip.
It was quite calming.
Electrified testicles.
Not shocking at all.
by Go ask your daughters.
I thought about it.
Blueberries shot out my schlong.
Here, have a muffin.
by Blueberry stud muffin. of Pig in a blueberry blanket. Ganja muffin. Puffin' on the muffin.
