Hello there.

That is just not true.
Werther's candy still exists.
Here's the ugly truth.

Grandpa hated you.
The ugliest grandson.
He left out of shame.

So your parents lied.
He told me this over beer.
So I know it's true.

Grandpa wiped a year
There were no more Werther's left
So he killed himself

Hello there.

Once upon a time...
a poet had Alzheimer's.
So I guess "The End."

It was raining dead prostitutes.
The perverts had a heyday.
So did the canibals.
The frogs were upset.
They just wanted some real rain.
So they could fuck, of course.

It will not come out.
I'm trying to shit a brick.
The baby's crying.

Hello there.

I just got dessert.
Chocolate mousse with espresso.
Just like Mugabe.

Robert Mugabe:
Now the once-great dictator
Gets his just desserts.

Hello there.

I have been told that
the aliens monitor
and rate each haiku

according to its
intensity of badness.
They won't tell me why.

Unsure what to do?
Rhyming haiku stick with you.
Much like super glue.

The stink of the dink,
be it purple, red, or pink,
means you should take zinc.

I think, therefore I spam.

Online zinc supplements and Viagra.
onlinestinkydinkpillsfromcanada.com

They made a mistake
And wished they were sea monkeys
And they got their wish

I will rend your limbs.
You will be a pile of blood
After this haiku

I'ma git me some...
Some a dat BAD BAD haiku.
What I'm talkin' bout.

So Cal, so go surf.
Mavericks would be awesome.
Just kidding; don't die.

I'm back in SoCal
But I won't be here too long
Just biding my time.

Your life is pointless.
I mean, just look at yourself.
You read bad haiku!

Actually, Adam
made his own banana stand
And Eve snatched it up

No bed of roses
Honey, while you were sleeping
I pruned your manhood

These pistachios
God made something so tasty
Intestine shrapnel

Eve was handy too
Made the first banana stand
Adam snatched it up

Jesus Christ is a
charitable carpenter
and he gives me wood.

Can't find the right words
To tell you in this poem
So I will just fart

This does not make sense.
If it made sense, you'd read it.
Stop licking the screen.

That won't get you high.
Try vinegar latte shots.
Attacked by purple.

She will not fuck you.
Not vaginally I mean.
Break dance battle whore.

What could I tell you
that you haven't heard before.
Sardine-stuffed gold flute.

Claustrophobia
For the midget I sat on
At the Bingo Hall

Refresh each minute.
I must have the last haiku
when the earth explodes.

Avocado toast
Three cheers for this funny fruit
Let's all drink to that

Head on collision
one last duck face selfie, please
You've got it in you

Robber Mugabe
Whoops! Sorry I meant Robert...
Trashed his own country.

Zimbabwe's lyin--
Sorry, meant to say lion...
Now more a dead dog.

No fucking way man.
Not giving up my necklace.
"Beef" jerky jewelry.

Somalia called.
Their women want their clits back.
I sent them to Darth.

Do not suck his "dink"!
You will get botulism.
Among other things.

Wobbert Smiff whining
Two, maybe three chords at best.
That's most of the Cure

Botox injections
Now my boring dink looks like
Renee Zellweger

If your cock's too small
and her cunt is enormous,
try corn on the cob.

The music was dull.
He defeated Mecha Streisand.
That's all that matters.

Be on time tonight
I'll be carrying a bag
Of unmarked assholes

Only memories:
TSA groping my crotch.
And a new skyline.

Wittle Wobbert Smiff
Made boring droning music
Back in the eighties.

Forgot it was there
Bagel and a schmear of lox
Left in my forehead!

Everyone forgot.
But they said that they would not.
Must have been the Jews.

Crime fighting choices.
Catwoman in area.
Batman packs condoms.

Last slurp of coffee
Moth caught between two soft paws
Catwoman's day starts

Criminals in fear.
Batman's shadow on the wall.
Moth near the light bulb.

Write shitty haiku
What?....nothing better to do
While taking a poo

Talked to a phone ho
Fell asleep before I came
Just like in real life