BAD HAIKU - Horrible poetry for the digital age
22 Years
27 Days
61244 Haikus
ride captain ride on
your pile of junk, we had fun
you got the runs don't

eat strange tacos, just
my friend's from East LAs is
good, but you know should

we tell you in Maine
where to get these superior
tacos, no way San Jose
Haiku #57349, by vhs
September 14, 2017 8:09 pm ET

Cranky my fat ass!
I have better things to do.
There are waves to ride.

The beach needs cleaning.
I fucking hate litter bugs.
So I clean the beach.

I'm only here when
I'm bored out of my fucking
psychopathic mind.

Bye now.
Haiku #57348, by Darth Figpucker
September 14, 2017 8:34 am ET

yup burger burger burger...

i changed jobs as the
dish guy from a hotel up the
street to a local family

restaurant which i
really like, and in summer time
it gets busy especially

at night. so the head
cook kept getting burger orders
and i kept since i

have the bad habit
of doing impersonations.


it is almost like the old Saturday
Night live sketch and now Burger Burger Burger has stuck to your Herr VHS

i think it would make a good t-shirt though
Haiku #57347, by vhs
September 13, 2017 7:40 pm ET

ill just get mine at
the goodwill thanks...l rons
invasion earth was a

lot more fun a story
Haiku #57346, by vhs
September 13, 2017 6:41 pm ET

Anyone wanna buy
A complete set of Scientology
Books for $3000?
Haiku #57345, by Gullible American
September 13, 2017 4:32 pm ET

"By the way, I quit"

I would like to make a rebuttal:

Burger! Burger! Burger!

You know you like it
Haiku #57344, by dvd
September 13, 2017 4:29 pm ET

DF is cranky
Must be mad about something
How to cheer him up?
Haiku #57343, by Concerned American
September 13, 2017 8:54 am ET

prayer posted, let me
know how its going with those
things like 'i hate blank'

and hating oatmeal
oatmeal just wants to be loved
raisin and cinnamon
Haiku #57342, by vhs
September 13, 2017 3:12 am ET

fear leads to anger
anger leads to hate, once you
turn down the dark path

you're guaranteed a
career on talk radio
by the way, i quit
Haiku #57341, by vhs
September 13, 2017 2:58 am ET

Climate change can't happen
Climate doesn't change
And I had nothing to do with it
Fuck you for suggesting otherwise
Haiku #57340, by Unconcerned Murican of Murica, with Sean Hannity
September 12, 2017 11:12 pm ET

Hurricanes are unpredictable
You are not
I'm intimidated by you
In the sense that I am intimidated
By a bowl of oatmeal - plain
Lukewarm amalgam mush
Haiku #57339, by Unconcerned Murican of Murica, with guns, etc
September 12, 2017 11:08 pm ET

the more i kinda
read the more crosseyed i get
big print words someday
Haiku #57338, by vhs
September 12, 2017 11:05 pm ET

i remember that
day yesterday all too well
i had never seen
The plot to some out
there political thriller
play out irl

dad was scared. i had
to go to work, life went on
changed, we remember


my father terrified
Haiku #57337, by vhs
September 12, 2017 1:43 pm ET

no kidding, so move to
moldova, close to russia
but no hurricanes
Haiku #57336, by vhs
September 12, 2017 9:30 am ET

Hurricanes are mean
Shooting at them makes them mad
They will kick your butt
Haiku #57335, by Concerned American
September 12, 2017 9:12 am ET

i have no idea
of the nihilism here
but quite frankly I

want to say DADA

Haiku #57334, by vhs
September 11, 2017 8:47 pm ET

16 years ago today
DF sat down to watch the news
He masturbated for so long
And so vigorously
He developed scabs on his penis
Haiku #57333, by Anonymous Poodle of Ground Zero
September 11, 2017 1:30 pm ET

five turds in a line
then seven turds then five more
you got a haipoop...
Haiku #57332, by vhs
September 10, 2017 9:56 pm ET

engrish prease, most grace
put in pot sideways, flush no
whole cuck in growd poo
Haiku #57331, by vhs of poop scoop
September 10, 2017 9:54 pm ET

why so serious...
why not...just can't think of any
thing at this time
Haiku #57330, by vhs
September 10, 2017 9:52 pm ET

Hermit crabs invade.
What could they possibly want?
Taking over malls.
Haiku #57329, by df
September 10, 2017 9:08 pm ET

i stink just to break
up the monopoly game
hope i did not poo
Haiku #57328, by df ;-)
September 10, 2017 9:06 pm ET

Having traveled the world a small bit, I find the most interesting differences in cultures can be seen in the bathrooms and how they clean themselves off after defecating.

The West prefers TP which is highly wasteful and takes a bit of energy to process at the refinery plant or tends to shorten the life of septic tanks, not to mention the trees chopped down to produce TP.

In Asia they sometimes squat over a hole in the ground, or a porcelain hole flush with the ground. Sometimes they have bowl they squat over, no seat. Sometimes a bowl with a seat but no tank (flush it w/ a bucket). Sometimes they have a tank that 90% of the time does not work. Made in China.

In poorer countries they often just poor water down their backsides to clean off which can be quite messy and makes for an unpleasant experience if you're wearing long pants into a public restroom.

However some of these toilets have a spay nozzle at the side of the toilet like you might use to spay off dishes at your sink. Those direct the water stream so it doesn't get all over the floor, gets you good and cleaned off, and does not use paper. Consider trying this. Think of the money saved and the benefit to the environment. And you get your asshole nice and clean after taco night, with or without nitrous oxide.

Your welcome.
Haiku #57327, by df
September 10, 2017 9:00 pm ET

i think just to break
up the monotony here
here is a haiku
Haiku #57326, by vhs
September 10, 2017 8:45 pm ET

i might end up with
bringing up Chaos Magick
but subjects always change

there's always alex jones
there's always
there's always the Illuminatus

Trilogy and of course

Hail Eris

It is a masterpiece
Haiku #57325, by vhs of allonzee
September 10, 2017 8:42 pm ET

I believe, good sir,
you mean nitrous, not nitro.

up one's poopy hole
would kill them before the grand
explosion of meat.

Nitrous fueled flatus...
Now that might launch me into
orbit, my good man!

Of course rednecks call nitrous nitro because they likely never took a chemistry class and what they don't use for drag racing they will put into a balloon and huff at a Metallica concert.

If you don't get it, you never will.
My wife always wonders why the whipped cream runs out of gas before the cream gets used. ;-)

I had a friend that made some serious bank selling nitrous balloons at Dead shows. Oh, I love it when the freaks have seizures, often called fishing because they flop around like a fish. It's great!
Haiku #57324, by Darth Figpucker
September 10, 2017 8:40 pm ET

remember that Abbie
Hoffmann said Yippie then blew
his brains out, i don't

know if i regard that
as a tragedy or not, i think I
do but he was an amateur

Whatever i do is a masterpiece
Haiku #57323, by vhs
September 10, 2017 7:08 pm ET

it all ends up being just
a pissing contest between
a psychopath who

can't stand his wife
and a hypocritcal believer
who canT QUIT and

is tired of the contest
yada siss boom bah

a masterpiece
Haiku #57322, by Anonymous Poet
September 10, 2017 6:39 pm ET

maybe i should shove nitro
up your ass, make you eat tex
mex light propane

and see what happens

a masterpiece
Haiku #57321, by taco smell of burritos
September 10, 2017 6:34 pm ET

i think i might do
serious poetry cause
everything i do

is a masterpiece
Haiku #57320, by vhs of up your ass
September 10, 2017 6:32 pm ET

Somehow I picture
The Unibomber riding
a unicycle.

A juggling clown
tossing pipe bombs from his bike
into crowds of geeks.

Naked and painted
in purple and orange grease paint
while high on acid.
Haiku #57319, by df
September 10, 2017 12:05 pm ET

The unibomber's
a big stinky pussy fart.
But then so are you.

I personally think bioweapons are the only hope of doing any real population control.
Kind of like 12 Monkey's and all that shit.
People who use bombs to kill are just masturbating their lives away. Sadly, I'm no biologist. You have nothing to worry about from me. But it's fun to dream.
Haiku #57318, by df
September 10, 2017 11:59 am ET

see all that storming ?
feel the blue planet warming ?
there's rhyme and reason
Haiku #57317, by ash
September 10, 2017 8:03 am ET

Industrialization blah blah blah
Mail bombs yada yada yada
Playing my clarinet
Haiku #57316, by Squidward Kaczynski of Bikini Bottom Penitentiary
September 9, 2017 11:39 pm ET

If the Unabomber and
Darth Figpucker were cellmates
Would they get along very well?
Never-ending circlejerk
Haiku #57315, by Anonymous Paleontologist
September 9, 2017 11:34 pm ET

This is not my world the world to come
Is my world
I'm not of this earth
Haiku #57314, by Anonymous Poet
September 9, 2017 10:17 pm ET

Each squid ward needs his
Spongebob...and each
Satan his Jesus

Vogon... :)
Haiku #57313, by Vhs
September 9, 2017 9:27 pm ET

VHS "crazy"?!?!
LOL seriously!
I NEVER said that!

You're the opposite.
Boring beyond all belief.
But that's good for you.

Yes, I'm a psycho.
I tend to hate most people.
And laugh when they're hurt.

But I'm no monster.
Because I love my monsters.
Do you understand?

The reason I hate
is for what I see people
do to each other...

And to my planet.
Yes, it all belongs to me.
You wouldn't get that.

The world's MY oyster.
I would let the oyster live.
It is beautiful.

Others would cook it.
Or make rancid oyster sauce.
All for quick profit.

Hannibal Lecter
really appeals to me;
he eats rude people.

In all seriousness, I would love to see the world population decline by about 99.99% or something manageable. Then I'd be happy. Otherwise I am quite certain that we and this world are not for long. Of course I and mine would be the 0.01% remaining. Politicians and lawyers would go first. Industrialists next. And then poets.
Haiku #57312, by Darth Figpucker of MY planet -- it belong to me. Please leave now.
September 9, 2017 9:04 pm ET

i wonder if i have
no honor or honour are
they both the same

thing and what is honor
or is it honour, semantics
word games what is

original in poetry
was Donald Trump the best
poet we've had on

the campaign trail
Haiku #57311, by vhs
September 9, 2017 8:07 pm ET

words become utter
complete meaningless and turn
to action, Henry

Miller becomes forgotten
people become their own muses
Seinfeld reruns
Haiku #57310, by vhs
September 9, 2017 8:04 pm ET

there comes a point where
one gives up on trying to be
understood and is

just themselves, i don't
like being angry but i think some
people are such egos

or so controlling
or i see it in myself
just let it all hang

out even if it costs
me my freedom, my life or
it makes people drop

the bullshit and say
despite any bad shit that
happened at that

moment, my blood
my honor, my life, my death
was worth the cost

in His name of course
and not like in this prideful
angry unChristian version

of who i am now
but i am flawed but it is
who i am right now
Haiku #57309, by vhs
September 9, 2017 7:58 pm ET

when CLERKS was slammed by
a generation of pharisees that
just didn't get it you

know what it was about????
if your girlfriend gives you
lasagna she is the BEST

and always WILL BE
the best for you, and you owe
her love and a good bottle

of sherry in return
Haiku #57308, by vhs
September 9, 2017 7:45 pm ET

i mean is that you
know really that great poetry
whiny little pout

fests, it's too "ANTIFA"
smashing windows because you
don't feel "safe" because

Milo Yilanopolous wrote
a book that really wasn't that
good anyways hmm?
Haiku #57307, by vhs
September 9, 2017 7:41 pm ET

and learn i AM TRYING
to joke at times, it is "ironic"
do i need to turn

into Marshall Mathers
and do a fuck you rap album
and make you feel like

the shit coming out
of my ass you are willing
to flush yourself down

the toilet and do so
willingly just to get yourself
to stop being the crust

on my fucking ass????
Haiku #57306, by vhs
September 9, 2017 7:38 pm ET

given i have known you
for years "DF" I have come to
the conclusion and

i say this to my
friend you are something of a
psychopath, i am

not sure whether to
admire you or resist you but
if you ever tell

me I'm crazy again
you can keep it to yourself
Haiku #57305, by vhs
September 9, 2017 7:33 pm ET

i already know
for my heart spasms or the
vessels about

they do, i have changed
my life, reluctantly for
i could die too soon
Haiku #57304, by vhs
September 9, 2017 7:21 pm ET

Enlighten the world
of the dangers of processed
foods and additives.

These things cause more death
and health problems than smoking
and illegal drugs.

fats are difficult for us
to metabolize.

Hardened arteries,
heart problems, obesity,
and cancer result.
Haiku #57303, by Batman's Serious Poetry of Arkham Asylum reading poetry to The Joker. I wonder why he is mentally unbalanced. I don't know. I really have no idea.
September 9, 2017 6:53 pm ET

i sit in my chair
looking at the words and think
huh huh...uh, words...huh huh
Haiku #57302, by Butthead
September 9, 2017 6:02 pm ET

Malachi 3:10
Haiku #57301, by dvd
September 9, 2017 5:23 pm ET

why not so serious
to a degree and then some
somewhere between

serious and not so serious
seriously we dont have to be
too serious but serious

well Bert and his oatmeal
Haiku #57300, by vhs
September 9, 2017 4:47 pm ET